Escape

Philip told me about the desire to escape, I didn't realize I have the same thought until he raised this up in our recent conversation.

I have been deciding to go for a long time, because of the stress, frustration, boredom, etc. And the desire to escape is indeed one of the key factor, too.

Imagine you are playing freefall for 10 times a day, and you don't know for how many more times you gotta play with. This is what I have been experiencing in these couple of months.

Indeed, tackling with the performance issue is no new thing, I have to deal with this in every single project I have been working on. I feel panic everytime but definitely not as much as it is now. This one is not in anyway more complicated than the others, the major different is, I have to face the user directly and the application has already roll out to production. It seems to me that there are not any buffer to fine tune the process.

What even worst is, I don't seems to know on how to improve the performance. Have I told you I am on my own, too?

The phone just rang and the desire to quit grows again. I don't want to worry about it each day until either I died or everything get forget.

Try your best

This is the number 1 rule that we all first learnt, but the interpretation varies among different people.

To me, I am taking it damn serious,so serious that, the "best" I interpret means I should try with all my might, squeezing the very last bit of energy out of what I have.

This is tiring, very damn tiring.

I didn't realize this is wrong, until I found that I will die if I keep on squeezing but still cannot archive what is needed.

So, what's the best one can do?

Take away the time that should't be sacrificed - sleep, eat, rest, etc. The remaining is the time that you can optimized.

I gotta freeze and stick with this baseline, or else, I will be crushed in any time.

Feeling of anxiety

I think this is something called adrenaline, if I know what is composed of, I will get rid of eating anything possessing this element.

OK, from the moment I am in the office, my heart is beating faster than it actually needs. I guess. An I feel myself is very tense - my shoulder is tight and I don't have any appetitte.

What's happening is that, I have numbers of obstacles ahead but I only have limited ammo, where and when should I shoot and what if I missed and what even if I shot it down and will I have a chance to win this stupid game?

I am confused. I don't dare to win and I don't mind losing, just give me a choice, OK?

Lover is

My lover is someone I want to see when I go back home.
My lover is someone who I want to go out with
My lover is someone who I will get worried if she is late from work
My lover is someone who will laugh with me when seeing a cute little child
My lover is someone who will call me softly when I am weak and need encouragement
My lover is someone who I want to share everything with

My lover is you, Annis, my loved one.

When the boundary fades away

I feel frustrated, helpless and stressful.

When the cell phone ring and you no longer can be sure it is from any friends you know, when you are not certain if you should relax and do whatever you enjoy, you are blurring the boundary between your work and regular life.

I am one of the one to blame on, since I cannot manage the tasks properly. Giving an impression that, everything on hand has to be done right at the spot. It is not necessary for most of the time, besides, there's always a limit that we should bind ourselves to. If everything has to be executed in such a tight schedule, no one can live with it and quality cannot be promised.

Back to the old saying, play well when you are free, work hard when you need to.

Sounds simple but I should keep reminding myself every moment from now on.

Where the fun has gone

The happy time, the excited moment, which I once has found and expierenced, has now gone to nowhere.

I had fun with the experinment, just about a month ago, but now, I simply don't have the initiative to work on it, I can no longer see the fun behind.

The nature of the experinment is interesting as still, just that I am dragged back to the same chaos before. When I am in the mildst of the torture, I have lost my energy and momentum to do anything.

Also, I don't know how to rest well.

This whind up to a complete mess.. unless I either found the solution or can get the hell out of it.

Buddy, you hit the spot (and you hit it hard)

This is the second time that I feel angry and want to quit right away. And with this recent encountering, I can finally tell where is my dead zone and the cause that will make me want to quit.

Dignit and respect. The core of what I need in every job. When anyone is having doubt on either of the two, bingo buddy, you hit the spot that will make me resign.

I have rpeated for many times, workload, satisfaction and fun, are some of the factors that make me feels wanna resign, but I could bear with it most of the time, better said, I could endure for a while.

But when I found myself working without dignity, have to compromise on the core of my base line, I cannot tolerate.

And now is the moment...

May luck be with me that I can soon swift away from this shit.

Individualism

Just get passed my 30 years milestone and something seems to be swirling around. I don't intended to push the switch but I maybe doing it sub-consciously.

I feel myself going back to where I am 10 years ago.

I am not rejuvenating but the once sealed gateway is tearing off bit by bit. The once diverted me is behaving as what I was.

Starting from the journey I went to Taiwan, I am enjoying more and more of my own time. I grab every opportunity that I can, to isolate myself.

I have a question and I need an answer. The way to achive is to think and I need time and isolation in doing so. More and more of my time is being spent in meaningless events -- working in the area / direction that I don't intend to. And the more I have done, the further away I found myself from what I want to be -- uber geek.

I can sense myself compromising on more than I would, I feel helpless. It seems to me that I don't have an alternative.

"Do something you care about", the prophecy said.

I started my dataCapsule and walk blogging project, it helps but I feel tired.. since I simply cannot split myself between here and there.

In 10 years, I will reach another milestone. Time will not wait for anyone and decision has to be made in every moment. In a fiercely flowing stream, I have to concentrate and make sure I am going to where I want.

The "dataCapsule" project - Episode 1

I know I have been herbinated for quite a while.. before heading full throttle to anything serious, well, I don't mean this article is not serious, just in a different perspective.

Let's read the "Geek Talk".

Pre-flight symptom

I tell you what, I can feel my adrenaline thrushing around myself. The day come finally -- having to spend 13 hours on a flight in a cramped seat makes me nervous X).

OK, be honest, what tinker me most is having to spend my days in an unfamiliar land, a totally new continent. I have read quite a number of article on the spot to visit, the way to travel around, what I am expected to see. But still, I feel in-secure and not well prepared. Also, it will be my first time to take a non-direct flight, I am just not sure what is going to happen.

Better head back to my job first...

The Coffee (aka the desired coffee shop)

Good coffe bean, destinctive espresso and smoothy milk froth, that's what make up a good cup of coffee.

The more I observe and the more I practise, I found that it is not as difficult as I thought in making up a good cup of coffee. So what makes mine special that people will dare to come and consume?

I have no confident.

I know it sounds like simple and I know there are tricks I have yet to learn. Indeed, is it really be so? I mean, everyone can possess the technique since that's not a trick that needs a rocket science degree.

OK, you wanna tell me the place counts and I agree totally. But as I told you last time that people come for the coffee and the shop itself contributes to a tiny part of it after all.

P.S. One thing I have missed is the people who serve in the shop, not only the barista but everyone inside, that's not simply a phrase of greeting but the attitude, everything counts.

When solemn is not enough

"Rolling Requiem", the least we can do for remembrance of the dead in the terrorist attack.

But in a self claimed flourish city like Hong Kong, I can see nothing to be done for the dead.

Me, as a citizen with heart and flesh, all I can do is to join the "Rolling Requiem", broadcasting the Mozart Requiem through my stereo...

May the dead be rest.. and you all will be remembered.

If there is god in the world..

If there is god in this world, I don't mean the god but a more generally speaking term, no matter which religion you believe in, either the Budda, Jesus Christ or any other believer you pray to.

He will not want to see his son to suffer, killing each other for no reason, everyone will be treated the same, no matter the color, the language, the appearance, rich or poor.

All of us are the same in his eyes.

This is us, who demand our faithfully trust to the god we believe in, make up the difference -- discrimination, unfair justice, and believe oneself is superior to the rest.

Selfishness, greed and admiration of power fooled their mind, turning their back against the lord.

Should their be god -- no matter who he is, please bring us strength and courage to take back the edin we once have... no matter the cost it is.

When home no longer the shelter

Home sweet Home.

Yes, it was and I surely think it will but not for the moment.

It is horrible in having such a thought -- hanging on to anywhere for as long as I could instead of heading home. Problems everywhere, big and small, simple and complicate. I love my parents, sure thing, no question is needed but I am exhausted in the mean time.

In the day time, I am spending all my effort to deal with no matter what if I like, settling those I could or couldn't and when I am home, there are something more awaiting for me.. so how dare do U think I would like to head home straight?

I know it is a stupid thought, since no matter what, I have to deal with it, just like what I did in the day time and I KNOW it heartily that I should find a way to ease my pain rather than escaping it till the last moment.

Call me selfish if you dare, I won't speak against a word but I am tired.. maybe I am simply someone who can't tolerate with challenges or the up and down and prefer giving up rather than getting through it.

And yet, the me deep inside reminded myself that I am someone responsible, I am someone capable and what I now am lacking is the strength and courage, rest and the peace. It is now the time for me to look for the proper way in shaping up myself, learn to let loose, learn to gain confidence and strengthen my love to the people around.

I have a war to fight

Life sucks.

Throughout our lives, we are walking through a tunnel, wide and big, small and narrow, depends on your fate and the decision you have made.

In my days beforehand, I used to be upset and keep on thinking what leads to the outcome, why I am always in bad luck? Is it my attitude or is it just my fate? I feel nervous, boring, helpless, scary and try to enclose myself in one piece, to seek for the peace and warm.

I keep on shaking.

Did I see the twilight or is it just the torch left by someone ahead?

I am desparate.... impatience.... become motionless and giving all up and cry.

But it doesn't help shit.. looking around on all the wounds I have made, I start to realize there is nothing I should feel sad about, it is just the arrangement, what gives? I will just have all of myself being withdrawn but SO WHAT?! You cannot beat me, I am just a piece of flesh, no matter what, I will get into the graveyard, you can take everything away but not my simple piece of mind! I can shoot sky rocket with all my imagination and you don't know shit about it! HA!

Brush up myself, really, the tunnel is narrow and dark but I am not scary anymore, even if I cannot find the exit.

I WILL BLOW ONE UP FOR MYSELF!

No, not only for myself, but for everyone around me, my beloved family, my angel and everyone I care.

The whinning should be over

I hope it all doesn't comes up to be too late, yes, nothing should be too late. It is scary to note that how much I might have forgotten or simply ignored in the previous month or so. After I keep complaining how sucks my life currently is.

My concentration towards my beloved, my family and all the thing I treasured dropped a lot. I accused my self-centred behaviour to the overwhelming of job, or uncertainty about my career. It simply sounds too logical to me, I got slapped in the job, and I can pay a smaller attention to the rest of everything, expecting to be understood and awaiting the "day" to come.

This is not true. The day will never come because it is already there.

It is so interesting to me that, I came across the piece of blog my best buddy has prepared a year ago, about our awaiting of something before we can make ourselves happy. This is what I am now. I hope the chaos will be over and I can be myself once again.

No. I shouldn't wait for it but resolve it all by myself now. It is totally my fault if I leave out everything to dust by waiting what I believe I deserve. Time won't wait for anyone, obstacle will be along no matter where I go. So, why bother waiting for a miracle to happen but not making it by myself?

With all my desire that stated before, I now can find my fuel to keep my engine rolling. And to everyone, especially my angel, I am sorry for being so selfish recently.. I just don't aware that cuts have already been made and please, let me be the bandage, to soothe the pain I have made.

Hollow vs Emptiness

I think I have talked about the feeling of emptied out a lot of time before, just that I finally find the word.

When I grow up, I found that I learnt less, the problem is 2 fold, life become repetitve, doing the same thing, facing the same problem without a solution that could be found for each time, bored by the same old thing, going to the same restaurant. And the capabitily to receive new idea drops. No excitement, no refreshment.

I used to believe I am just being dragged away by my job, head being emptied and looking for the day to refill what has lost.

This is not true.

For years, I am still uncertain about where the balance point between life and career is. I am still persuading myself I am capable, trying to regain some of my confidence. Not until now, I found that I am not simply emptied out but have both end of myself being drilled away like a "hollow trunk".

So, no matter how much effort I have put to "repair" the situation, it is sort of like pouring water into the drainage - you can never fill this up.

Just if I can find the old lid.

Over drain

Another month has just passwd away but yet, I still cannot see the twilight.

Hang on there, it's going to be ended soon, I was told. Finish it up and pay respect to yourself, I always heard.

Really? I start to wonder. I hate to listen to all these, when you are not the one who suffer. Do you know how painful it is when you are going to bed, knowing that at the time when you open your eyes, you have to face the shit for another day. Do you know how bad it feels when you have lost the appetize to eat and want spill out everything you tried to grab into your mouth? Do you know how helpless one is, when you have lost every single piece of momentum in doing anything you are interested in before?

Dream shattered, once again, I can see them glittering now but I am too tired to pick them all up.

Be respect to yourself, be proactive, to show to the others that you are capable. Come on, I can't stand on this kind of shit. By settling the shit leave out by others means respecting myself? Why should I dare to? I am selfish, yes, I am, but how come one can ask me to finish this shit while letting me feeling so bad everyday? Why don't you say they are selfish? Does it really mean so if I can finish those crap but having my dignity being stepped over and over again?

I have had enough, I am sure. All I need is an escape plan, I swear to myself.

Ronnie in the fridge!

Those who know me well know that I hate cold weather, I just don't like chilling and trembling and need to wear loads and loads of clothes to keep myself warm. It makes me feel being tied up with both hands.

And guess what, I am now working in a freezer! Damn it, man! The noisy air-conditioner is blowing like crazy behind me! The lucky thing is, I can prove the wind blocker is doing it's job nicely. HA! I only felt cold at the area that wasn't covered by this little thingy.

You may wonder why what the hell I am doing here, well, in short, I am taking care of those hot-hatred creature - computer - in the server room. Err, server room is really an under-rated adjective. I am in a room as big as Tsim Sha Tsui Fat Angelo's but with pile and pile of cabinet with each carrying numbers of computer inside, you can guess how big it would be.

Well, I am asked to stay till 12 in the afternoon and there is still about an hour before I can leave. But honestly speaking, I have nothing to be done here.. damn it. That's why I would take the time in writting up this blogger. HA!

Re-discovered Dream

First time in the 2 years, the desire in finishing things of big & small has finally come back.

I am delighted.

As what I have told you, the pieces and pieces of shattered dream seems binding up by themselves once and again. I have so much that wanna be done, big and small, and I will mark them all down before it has all gone.

The curlprit of all these is the break I can have yesterday, no, I don't mean a day off but the way how I work - and enjoy, now and after. Control is what I meant, I don't need to be bothered with senseless suggestion. Schedule belongs to myself, no one can re-arrange them in the way they like.

2 years, I used to work day and night, all by myself, on the thing I treasure, I believe, trust and sweared to be valuable by my own standard. No report, no updating is needed for anyone else but myself. I have whole confidence on what I can deliver.

I feel empowered.

The indication is straight and simple, I need to work with trust, with total control.

Before I get snapped right in the face again, I will put down all my own thoughts, like a dying corpse who spilled out every single word before his last breath.