Struggling

It's quite amazing when you grow older and older. You start to figure out how fast your dignity is washing away and how easy you compromise on happening that against your belief.

To live on, you have to follow the public belief - the value proposition that is widely recognized among the population. The further away you are stepping from the line, the higher the risk to live on - public mass pulling off their acepetance, job security suddenly becomes a question.

Don't challenge what the norm belives in, follow the pattern that everyone is living could give you a higher chance of survival. It's tough to me cause it involve the lowering of what I believe in.

The way I treasure on something - creativity, the love and passon, as well as how one can get concentrated in making things happen. Be it an invention of software, a business one has started. Thing should be simple but it doesn't meant it's effortless. I treasure on how much they did in getting it delivered.

The way of doing, on events happening against me - the so-called "self protection" by being suspicious to people working or living with. Be it a passenger you bump in, during a ride on the MTR, a colleague that you see everyday. How frequent that you has to package your idea or opinion so that you can make sure the maximum benefits can always be given to your side.

The matter of trust becomes so thin that I feel very scary. I feel miserable on why it is not suspected by anyone but me. OK, I know I am not the only one but I cannot find anyone that I know is having the same thought. When is the last time that you opened your heart? How come we have to deliver or project a false message to the recipient, in order to get what we want. Or push them to the trap that we have setup. Why aren't we eager to speak up the truth? When something is bad, it is bad! It shouldn't be mentioned as simply "No Good"!

Holding the forge is no simple task, you have to depart with the comrade that was all the way along, the comrade that you could left your live to. Indeed, you just cannot have both - either your belief or your companion.

Life doesn't mean to embrace everyone but why couldn't I just live on as how I see fit? You don't need to agree on me but please, don't throw stones at me while I am walking on my path.

As I have told you many times, I am someone low in confidence and easily envy on people who could do things better than I do.

And it turns out I won't get close to many of the people around. I don't like to feel crapy when I hang around with others.

Speaking up to be open minded is easy but it is not when you try to act. It is not I don't want to listen to but I don't want to bow down to someone I dislike.

Have I told you I am selective in choosing who to listen to?

Yeah, I find it's like a magic, I could feel interesting when I learn a thing or two from someone I can get close to. I would admire this guy, too. But if he is someone that I dislike, I feel disgusting.

It is always a struggle when I don't know something which can be solved easily or something which should be treated as fundamental. I am imposing strict rules to myself but I am lazy to beat myself up.

Living in the lonely planet

I have to admit that I am a narrow minded person. I stand quite firm on what I believe and is not that open minded towards idea of others. Unless they are given by people that I trust.

And I am not good at striking for anything that I need. I think I would expect the others can observe my needs and act accordingly.

The product development should be fun but it's not. It's now like chasing a moving target and I am the only one who is trying to strike for it. My team-mate is now taken away by the other product team. Claiming he knows well enough on the other product and he can help more on it. But hey, you can't just say he's good and I want it and take him away!

Everyone wants a top notch buddy but if you don't have one, you gotta think!

It speaks for myself, too. I lose the team-mate and I better restructure on my next move.

The thing that annoy me is the instability, I guess. It's not moving on in the pace that I feel comfortable with. I guess that's the reason.

Anyway, time to brush up myself.

Birthday

Today is my birthday, the 31st birthday that I have gone through. Unlike others, I am spending my day with my mom, who is staying in the hospital.

Luckily, she is doing good and is recovering from the flu and inflammation that she has got over the weekend. Hopefully, she will be out of the hospital on tomorrow morning.

Birthday, is already not a special occasion to me, but it is still a nice happening since I can give myself an excuse to buy something for fun. Other than that, it's more or less the same as the rest of the 365 days that you and me are going through.

In another 2 weeks, I will be having a vacation since March, going to Taiwan with Annis, the place that I would call my "Second Home". It's already my fifth or sixth visit but I am still very excited. I am looking forward to go over there, to meet my friends and the places that I feel familiar with.

It is all about the experience, the life style that I am going to live with. The atmosphere in the coffee shop, the friendliness among me and my friends, the cultural impact from the bookstore, the CD store. The way of living that I can feel re-assure and harmonized. I will not feel the emptiness of losing myself.

Whereas in Hong Kong, I could feel myself an isolated one, an alien to the society. I feel insecure, hollow and losing the momentum and direction of moving forward. That's why I enjoy reading; to fit myself into the world of my desire and writing to reshape myself into the reality.

Now what?

The public mass finally have their desire settled, now what?

Heading for the next little lamb, striking for the same request and demonstrating the same pressure to the individuals who used to serve what they can? I guess I now know what a politician is good at - finger pointing.

I have given up the hope, I don't think it worths my effort to go for election. There's no one I can pick and whoever take over the seat is the same pile of dung.

Keep raising your throat and strike for the your sky high justice. That's nothing I care about.

The perspective

Do you have the experience of having no one looking into a matter the same way as you do? Have you ever wonder on why everyone who talks around you is so annoying and having an attitude problem?

All these grows with me every day.

I am working with a bunch of people, all of them are nice but indeed, I can't concentrate on my own stuff when they keep bubbling non-sense next to me. The conversation is not really non-sense, just that any conversation comes up feels like non-sense to me. The worst part of it is, some of them is trying to look down on the others, I don't see they have the privilege in doing so.

Opinion, this is a very personal matter but it is so in person that I can find no one having the same thought as I do. And it goes to the other extreme, too. Something which looks quite obvious to me doesn't seems to be carried around to the others. If something cannot be finished, be it, there is something we call un-finished matter.

There always are priority and schedules. We are born or hire to manage things but not to slave things through. Am I the only one who is aware of that?

Opinion, apart from not being able to find someone of the same thought, I found annoying when my thought is being challenged. OK, I am narrow mind, I have to admit but I guess no one like to be challenged? Respect where I stand and if U want to discuss, be nice.

I think I can go no where and work with no one. Maybe I should stay in the cave, until I can figure out what the truth is.

Shameful

There are lots of achievement that are reached by the Chinese, be it in Sports, Science or even Arts. It is amazing, in terms of volume and the level of achievement.

But I feel shameful as a Chinese.

I feel totally sorry when I look back for the 4000+ years that we have lived through. How many things we have done wrong? And the scale of problem is massive - the burying of scholars by Emperor Qin, the Cultural Revolution, the June Fourth Movement and all the mis-behaving businessmen that could easily be spot in every province throughout China.

Harm is done not only to them(or our?)selves but also to people in different region. I would name it the pest of mankind, of course, we are not alone, there are races who are performing problem to similar scale, too.

To be fair, I don't think I will feel proud of being whatever races, like what I have heard from, mankind is created to destory the Earth. It is fundamentally wrong of being a Human.

The familiar uncertainty

I thought I have morphed into the other me; the me without the uncertainty, the me who is emotionally stabilized. Indeed, I was just getting into the development passage of the sonata.

The motif is now recapitulated.

Last night, I was reading the material about my favourite author, and to my surprise, my long gone memory flashes back. I felt what I felt when I was young, when I have doubt on everything. When I was looking at the surrounding from an isolated perspective, abstracting myself from the crowd.

Me and only me.

I dare not to speak up (again) and I felt no one around that I dare to speak up with. We are not in the same channel. To think a step further, it's not happened so all of a sudden. Highlights are given during the course, I feel assured that no matter how close you can go with someone, no gurantee that it will last forever. The self is the only body you can rely on. To go along with and accompany. Prepare for the individualism, planning for the lonely trip on my birthday..

Climax will be reached upon recapitulation, be it dramatic or in peace.

15 Years

I was 15 years old 15 years ago.

The night, I cried.

Today, I saw the same footage again, I try to tell my cousin aged 5 and 6, on what had happened 15 years ago. The little girl have the same response as everyone of us.

"Why do they (the activitists) get accused even they haven't done anything wrong?"

I am amazed that a little girl aged at 6 can also recognize something obvious.

My last night with my comrade

3 and a half years, apart from my team, it is this little buddy who hang on as long as I am awake. Overnight, working weekend, at home or overseas. This is my workhorse, my source of entertainment and my portal for communication.

Farewell, my friend. Thanks for the happy time and the fullest support in all the crucial moment. These three and a half year will be boring without you hanging around.

May the new comer work as close as we do and take care.

BB, to my mighty IBM 600X and T40.

Bach and the resigned me.

The decision to resign is not a small one and it's good that Goldberg variation is playing right behind me when I hit the "Sent" button. I feel re-assured and see the twilight of my new beginning.

I think I care

The arena which I once was the King is now captured by someone else, he is performing and praise is given.

I am jealous.

And yet, it is myself who has selected to give out the throne but why do I still care about how well the new Emperor is performing?

It is the geek inside who think he can do the same but only better. After all, I still treasure the praise from others.

The perspective of thinking

It has been discussed for many times - Job Sucks.

I am unhappy in my job, I feel no satisfaction, joy, archivement in my job. I keep feeling the pressure, the tiredness. Anyway, this is not what I am trying to discuss now.

The older I am, the further I found myself away from my closed friend. Our way of thinking starts to depart, my age keeps it's annual increment but the principal of thinking seems diverting to a direction different from people in my same age group. Things that I see it is wrong are looked as they are normal to them. They have the argument that I don't agree with, why it has to be like this, I asked myself.

I am not feeling lonely but I found fewer and fewer people staying in the same channel as I do. One way of seeing it is, more channels are opened (by meeting new friends) and it is difficult to stay in the same channel all the time. But me, umm, I have met new friend too, but my desire to change channel is little.

I have two choices - widen up my boundary and bump into more social life or get used to what I enjoy, staying in within and admit the reality.

Am I difficult to work with?

I thought I can be an up-to-par mentor.. or at least a team-mate that won't be hated by other team member. But recently, I found myself becoming easier to get angry with whatever thing, when they are not developing into what I desire. I lost my patient easily.

Besides, I think I hate lazy ass, if everything has to be told precisely, what I mean is, the detail level has to be go down to every single incident, then why do I need a team? I can do everything myself! I expect people to look for the answer, at least try to, before approaching and get the answer straight.

I hope this is just a temporary emotional issue or the desire to grow strong as a self-centred person will become out of hand.

The struggling body

Heart beating, spirit filled up with anger but still have to accomplish on the task "assigned". Call me someone with low EQ but I would gratefully considering myself as someone with character.

But why am I having such a bad feeling? The tasks themselves are neutral in nature and it is me attaching all the emotion.

Again, why?

I am seeing all these as negative, something trying to act against me and that's why I feel bad. But then, no one is trying to do me harm, I am just projecting this out, considering everyone is pushing me to the corner.

The true corner is, I can't meet up the schedule and I am afraid of the happening. Afraid of being blamed on, being put in the position of fault.

I can't stand for being put in the difficult position, I accept no fault to myself.

No matter how many times I told myself, the failure doesn't matter, the failure is not something life and death. I am not convinced. I am trying to push for the deadline. I am working hard. And I don't see it justify. And I lost my time to do what I want. And that's why I feel angry.

It's that simple.

I feel angry = I don't have time to play.

A child to the end.

The diminishing of self isolation

After Mr. Bell has invented the telephone, people started losing the
excuses from not reporting or connecting to the party concerned. Still,
we are hooked with the avaiplability of telephone network, but together
with the invention and advancement of pager and cellular phone, this excuse
starts fading out.

We can get connected all the time, everywhere.

But it seems this is not enough yet, SMS and even instant messaging
is growing strongly, not only as a thing of leisure but as a medium
for corporate usage.

My question is, am I so important that I need to be reached all time?
Shouldn't there a limit in reaching by anyone, and let alone having the own time and doing something
private? I think we are born to do things important to our own
but not helping others to get there things done.

The technology itself does not necessary to be a bad thing but the people who
use it can be. I just hope that people will recognitize all the outcome
before embracing all these thing on the horizon.

Escape

Philip told me about the desire to escape, I didn't realize I have the same thought until he raised this up in our recent conversation.

I have been deciding to go for a long time, because of the stress, frustration, boredom, etc. And the desire to escape is indeed one of the key factor, too.

Imagine you are playing freefall for 10 times a day, and you don't know for how many more times you gotta play with. This is what I have been experiencing in these couple of months.

Indeed, tackling with the performance issue is no new thing, I have to deal with this in every single project I have been working on. I feel panic everytime but definitely not as much as it is now. This one is not in anyway more complicated than the others, the major different is, I have to face the user directly and the application has already roll out to production. It seems to me that there are not any buffer to fine tune the process.

What even worst is, I don't seems to know on how to improve the performance. Have I told you I am on my own, too?

The phone just rang and the desire to quit grows again. I don't want to worry about it each day until either I died or everything get forget.

Try your best

This is the number 1 rule that we all first learnt, but the interpretation varies among different people.

To me, I am taking it damn serious,so serious that, the "best" I interpret means I should try with all my might, squeezing the very last bit of energy out of what I have.

This is tiring, very damn tiring.

I didn't realize this is wrong, until I found that I will die if I keep on squeezing but still cannot archive what is needed.

So, what's the best one can do?

Take away the time that should't be sacrificed - sleep, eat, rest, etc. The remaining is the time that you can optimized.

I gotta freeze and stick with this baseline, or else, I will be crushed in any time.

Feeling of anxiety

I think this is something called adrenaline, if I know what is composed of, I will get rid of eating anything possessing this element.

OK, from the moment I am in the office, my heart is beating faster than it actually needs. I guess. An I feel myself is very tense - my shoulder is tight and I don't have any appetitte.

What's happening is that, I have numbers of obstacles ahead but I only have limited ammo, where and when should I shoot and what if I missed and what even if I shot it down and will I have a chance to win this stupid game?

I am confused. I don't dare to win and I don't mind losing, just give me a choice, OK?

Lover is

My lover is someone I want to see when I go back home.
My lover is someone who I want to go out with
My lover is someone who I will get worried if she is late from work
My lover is someone who will laugh with me when seeing a cute little child
My lover is someone who will call me softly when I am weak and need encouragement
My lover is someone who I want to share everything with

My lover is you, Annis, my loved one.