家，擔當着一個避難以及休息的場所。但當回到家時，反而覺得沉重，悲鬱，實在是有家歸不得。
我是個戀家的人，興趣都是環繞着各種靜態的室內作業；聽音樂，看書，弄咖啡。奈何，每當在家時，週遭都瀰漫着霉霉的，陰沉的，令人不安的分子。
這個懸浮物來自患病而變得消極的父親，來自變得年老而體弱的母親，來自要照顧他們所帶來的壓力，來自犧牲自我空間的鬱結，來自對未婚妻的歉意。
一切都況似別無他法，都況似我需要默然承受。
再忍耐一下吧，我憧憬的生活或許遲些就會來臨；又或許再過一會後，我可以把自身放下，欣然成為個侍奉者。
P.S. 可笑的是，我在三年前亦有相近的狀況，看來，這三年只有把問題隱藏，而並非得到了解決。
12/28/2005
12/21/2005
Intersection point
I feel myself getting very close to the intersection point. The point which I will fed up and have my temper all bursted out.
I keep reminding myself that, it's not fair to transfer the heat in taking care of the family to my parents. Indeed, the recent happenings have my pressure keep building up, to a point that the garbage collection simply doesn't work.
I love what I am doing at work, but I need to put it aside everyday, so that I can go home and cook for everyone.
Monday to Sunday.
I keep telling myself to look around. Mothers around not simply need to work but also cook, as well as taking care of their children.
Will they complain? I guess not. But to think a bit deeper, it's more than that.
Dad relies on the oxygen mask most of the time. He can walk around OK in the podium but to go beyond that, we insist to go along. But guess what, when we were not around yesterday, he went to the bank WITHOUT the mask. It takes at least 10-20 minute to go over there and I believe the total time for a round trip is about 30 min.
So you can imagine how dangerous it could be. But guess why he dares to take the risk? Because he has no money and need to spend?
Hell NO! He just doesn't want to leave the money in the bank when he pass away.
Come on! How much does he got in this account? A fxcking several thousand dollars only!
I am totally speechless. The emotional issue that occured between me, and my parents, are making me sad. I don't mind doing the household but all I am longing is, they can take care of themselves. NO risky act, pleassse.
I don't know how much longer I can hang on to that. But I guess I can prevent a serious outburst. Afterall, I can cry in the toilet.
I keep reminding myself that, it's not fair to transfer the heat in taking care of the family to my parents. Indeed, the recent happenings have my pressure keep building up, to a point that the garbage collection simply doesn't work.
I love what I am doing at work, but I need to put it aside everyday, so that I can go home and cook for everyone.
Monday to Sunday.
I keep telling myself to look around. Mothers around not simply need to work but also cook, as well as taking care of their children.
Will they complain? I guess not. But to think a bit deeper, it's more than that.
Dad relies on the oxygen mask most of the time. He can walk around OK in the podium but to go beyond that, we insist to go along. But guess what, when we were not around yesterday, he went to the bank WITHOUT the mask. It takes at least 10-20 minute to go over there and I believe the total time for a round trip is about 30 min.
So you can imagine how dangerous it could be. But guess why he dares to take the risk? Because he has no money and need to spend?
Hell NO! He just doesn't want to leave the money in the bank when he pass away.
Come on! How much does he got in this account? A fxcking several thousand dollars only!
I am totally speechless. The emotional issue that occured between me, and my parents, are making me sad. I don't mind doing the household but all I am longing is, they can take care of themselves. NO risky act, pleassse.
I don't know how much longer I can hang on to that. But I guess I can prevent a serious outburst. Afterall, I can cry in the toilet.
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