It is scary in noticing the day is getting closer and closer. The falling in condition, the increased dosage of medication, are all alerting me that I should get ready.
Going through the mental exercise, envisioning what am I going to see and experience, but I am still feeling frightened when it begins to happen.
What am I afraid of? The passing away of dad? The pain in seeing him suffering on each day? The process of after life handling? The taking care of mom?
I have no clue.
I keep telling myself it is a natural process but it doesn't seems to convince my shivering heart. After all, he is my closest one, who has been living through 1/3 of my life. You just can't beat the emotion that comes when you are about to depart from it, but yet, it is just a natural emotion. No one loves to depart, in particular when it means forever.
8/16/2006
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