I thought working 110 hours a week is already something significant. But I am surprised that I am now working all the time except from my 5 hours of sleep.
OK, it's not like working non-stop all the time, I do eat and play around (like the blog I am writing now).
And for the rest of the time, I work like a solvent. I keep providing solution to anyone approaches me, my boss at work or my parents at home. Fixing a bug or cooking a dish for dinner.
Is that what the human being were born to be?
Don't you find something is wrong? Is solving out problem the no. 1 objective that sustain our existence? We keep looking for our solvent but turns out we can only be the other's solvent.
BTW, I guess I am close to the saturation point.
4/28/2006
3/10/2006
賀詞
結婚當日，除了賀詞，最多人對我說的是，"你要好好照顧阿翎"。
奉茶給岳父時，他邊擁着羅翎痛哭，邊訴說着他捨不得女兒出嫁。我不斷重申，"我會好好照顧她的"，但好像都于是無補。
於婚姻註冊處跟親友碰面時，他們都會對我說，"我最疼阿翎的，你要好好照顧她！"
她工作時的上司，亦跟眾親友一樣，對我寄語相同的叮嚀。
就連我公母，亦吩咐我，要好好對待他們的媳婦。
我不奇言在想，莫非我給大家的印象真是這麼差，還是我配下上她？我明白大家都是發自於對羅翎的疼愛，我只是有點混亂，倘若你都有跟我說過這番話，不妨給我一個電郵，細說委實。
奉茶給岳父時，他邊擁着羅翎痛哭，邊訴說着他捨不得女兒出嫁。我不斷重申，"我會好好照顧她的"，但好像都于是無補。
於婚姻註冊處跟親友碰面時，他們都會對我說，"我最疼阿翎的，你要好好照顧她！"
她工作時的上司，亦跟眾親友一樣，對我寄語相同的叮嚀。
就連我公母，亦吩咐我，要好好對待他們的媳婦。
我不奇言在想，莫非我給大家的印象真是這麼差，還是我配下上她？我明白大家都是發自於對羅翎的疼愛，我只是有點混亂，倘若你都有跟我說過這番話，不妨給我一個電郵，細說委實。
2/06/2006
Are there anything difficult in the world?
One thing annoys me a lot is, when people keep telling me this is simple.
The people who say so is either don't know shit or they are really clever.
But in reality, I think most of them are just ignorant.
Or is it I am thinking too much? ;)
The people who say so is either don't know shit or they are really clever.
But in reality, I think most of them are just ignorant.
Or is it I am thinking too much? ;)
2/01/2006
Insomnia
I used to sleep soundly, until recently, that I am experiencing a couple of night of insomnia.
It maybe the caffeine, it maybe the restless mind, it maybe both.
My rapidly pumping heart, my coughing dad, all keeps me awake. The restless results in faster metabolism and it gotta pump faster to compensate the dissipation.
It's a dead loop, until it breakdown, or I could sort out the imbalance.
Would this be another changes which shows up as aging?
It maybe the caffeine, it maybe the restless mind, it maybe both.
My rapidly pumping heart, my coughing dad, all keeps me awake. The restless results in faster metabolism and it gotta pump faster to compensate the dissipation.
It's a dead loop, until it breakdown, or I could sort out the imbalance.
Would this be another changes which shows up as aging?
1/27/2006
If I hooked to a pressure gauge
I can bet $10 with you it is pointing to the red zone.
I can feel my shoulder is getting tenser than a bull; feeling miserable at work and bearing the load at home stressed me to a new boundary.
Get if off from yourself, everyone tell me, but how? It's not I want to keep holding the ball but what can I do with it? Circumstances in the former life is the fruit of your present existence, I am surely biting a hard one.
I can feel my shoulder is getting tenser than a bull; feeling miserable at work and bearing the load at home stressed me to a new boundary.
Get if off from yourself, everyone tell me, but how? It's not I want to keep holding the ball but what can I do with it? Circumstances in the former life is the fruit of your present existence, I am surely biting a hard one.
1/20/2006
The relaxed me
Believe it or not, I am having a good time when I am at work. It's been a long time which I could feel the peace in within.
Coffee, music, and the peace of mind. I could have them all, at this moment, in my cubicle.
I have the same experience when I am in Taiwan, in Eslite record store, which I allow myself to expose to new music.
Believe me, life could be good, and you don't need to rich.
Coffee, music, and the peace of mind. I could have them all, at this moment, in my cubicle.
I have the same experience when I am in Taiwan, in Eslite record store, which I allow myself to expose to new music.
Believe me, life could be good, and you don't need to rich.
1/05/2006
"Fair" in my eye
No one is born to be identical.
So the game is started to be "unfair" in a sense. But what bring us to a fair game is the evenness of opportunity given. No matter you are bringing up a child, or a team member among your team, you have to ensure sufficient attendance is given to everyone.
It's pointless to blame the little one when they are not your rising stars. If they are all so mighty, this render the mentor to be worthless.
We already have exceeding amount of unfairness, and as a gentle being, keep giving out on what you can. You cannot change the world but your merit could makes "living" to be a better one.
So the game is started to be "unfair" in a sense. But what bring us to a fair game is the evenness of opportunity given. No matter you are bringing up a child, or a team member among your team, you have to ensure sufficient attendance is given to everyone.
It's pointless to blame the little one when they are not your rising stars. If they are all so mighty, this render the mentor to be worthless.
We already have exceeding amount of unfairness, and as a gentle being, keep giving out on what you can. You cannot change the world but your merit could makes "living" to be a better one.
12/28/2005
當家變得沉重
家，擔當着一個避難以及休息的場所。但當回到家時，反而覺得沉重，悲鬱，實在是有家歸不得。
我是個戀家的人，興趣都是環繞着各種靜態的室內作業；聽音樂，看書，弄咖啡。奈何，每當在家時，週遭都瀰漫着霉霉的，陰沉的，令人不安的分子。
這個懸浮物來自患病而變得消極的父親，來自變得年老而體弱的母親，來自要照顧他們所帶來的壓力，來自犧牲自我空間的鬱結，來自對未婚妻的歉意。
一切都況似別無他法，都況似我需要默然承受。
再忍耐一下吧，我憧憬的生活或許遲些就會來臨；又或許再過一會後，我可以把自身放下，欣然成為個侍奉者。
P.S. 可笑的是，我在三年前亦有相近的狀況，看來，這三年只有把問題隱藏，而並非得到了解決。
我是個戀家的人，興趣都是環繞着各種靜態的室內作業；聽音樂，看書，弄咖啡。奈何，每當在家時，週遭都瀰漫着霉霉的，陰沉的，令人不安的分子。
這個懸浮物來自患病而變得消極的父親，來自變得年老而體弱的母親，來自要照顧他們所帶來的壓力，來自犧牲自我空間的鬱結，來自對未婚妻的歉意。
一切都況似別無他法，都況似我需要默然承受。
再忍耐一下吧，我憧憬的生活或許遲些就會來臨；又或許再過一會後，我可以把自身放下，欣然成為個侍奉者。
P.S. 可笑的是，我在三年前亦有相近的狀況，看來，這三年只有把問題隱藏，而並非得到了解決。
12/21/2005
Intersection point
I feel myself getting very close to the intersection point. The point which I will fed up and have my temper all bursted out.
I keep reminding myself that, it's not fair to transfer the heat in taking care of the family to my parents. Indeed, the recent happenings have my pressure keep building up, to a point that the garbage collection simply doesn't work.
I love what I am doing at work, but I need to put it aside everyday, so that I can go home and cook for everyone.
Monday to Sunday.
I keep telling myself to look around. Mothers around not simply need to work but also cook, as well as taking care of their children.
Will they complain? I guess not. But to think a bit deeper, it's more than that.
Dad relies on the oxygen mask most of the time. He can walk around OK in the podium but to go beyond that, we insist to go along. But guess what, when we were not around yesterday, he went to the bank WITHOUT the mask. It takes at least 10-20 minute to go over there and I believe the total time for a round trip is about 30 min.
So you can imagine how dangerous it could be. But guess why he dares to take the risk? Because he has no money and need to spend?
Hell NO! He just doesn't want to leave the money in the bank when he pass away.
Come on! How much does he got in this account? A fxcking several thousand dollars only!
I am totally speechless. The emotional issue that occured between me, and my parents, are making me sad. I don't mind doing the household but all I am longing is, they can take care of themselves. NO risky act, pleassse.
I don't know how much longer I can hang on to that. But I guess I can prevent a serious outburst. Afterall, I can cry in the toilet.
I keep reminding myself that, it's not fair to transfer the heat in taking care of the family to my parents. Indeed, the recent happenings have my pressure keep building up, to a point that the garbage collection simply doesn't work.
I love what I am doing at work, but I need to put it aside everyday, so that I can go home and cook for everyone.
Monday to Sunday.
I keep telling myself to look around. Mothers around not simply need to work but also cook, as well as taking care of their children.
Will they complain? I guess not. But to think a bit deeper, it's more than that.
Dad relies on the oxygen mask most of the time. He can walk around OK in the podium but to go beyond that, we insist to go along. But guess what, when we were not around yesterday, he went to the bank WITHOUT the mask. It takes at least 10-20 minute to go over there and I believe the total time for a round trip is about 30 min.
So you can imagine how dangerous it could be. But guess why he dares to take the risk? Because he has no money and need to spend?
Hell NO! He just doesn't want to leave the money in the bank when he pass away.
Come on! How much does he got in this account? A fxcking several thousand dollars only!
I am totally speechless. The emotional issue that occured between me, and my parents, are making me sad. I don't mind doing the household but all I am longing is, they can take care of themselves. NO risky act, pleassse.
I don't know how much longer I can hang on to that. But I guess I can prevent a serious outburst. Afterall, I can cry in the toilet.
11/04/2005
The marathon runner
A number of entries have been created for my dad, which I feel unfair to my mom, since she is the marathon runner which I admired on.
She is a patient of valvular heart disease for well over 10 to 20 years. The condition is kept controlled by taking a bunch of pills everyday. How many of them, you might ask?
40.
There are 18 different kinds of pills in total (hey! I do the pills packaging for her!) and some needs to be taken 3 times a day. Her patience and discipline should be well respected. I already felt annoyed by finishing the anti-biotics which last for 5 days. I cannot imagine myself, in taking up pills everyday for years, and not to mention the vast amount!
Stay healthy, my mom.
She is a patient of valvular heart disease for well over 10 to 20 years. The condition is kept controlled by taking a bunch of pills everyday. How many of them, you might ask?
40.
There are 18 different kinds of pills in total (hey! I do the pills packaging for her!) and some needs to be taken 3 times a day. Her patience and discipline should be well respected. I already felt annoyed by finishing the anti-biotics which last for 5 days. I cannot imagine myself, in taking up pills everyday for years, and not to mention the vast amount!
Stay healthy, my mom.
10/16/2005
It's the passion that counts
The desire to write something about myself has gone stale for quite a long time, until recently, which I have gone through the book "Revolution in The Valley ". The book contains articles written by the core developer of the original Macintosh, yeah, the one released in 1984. They talked about the funny things happened during the development, from the very beginning (around 1980) which the project only contains a handful of people only, to the later stage, with well over 80 staff. You can indeed find many of the article from www.folklore.org.
There's a commonlarity among these people, the talent for sure but the most important is, the passion. They are truly in love in the project and this explains why everything can go into the details.
I envy these people, on their talent, as well as their opportunity to work like this.
But to be fair, I am a lucky one too, who can work with 2 passionated team-mate over the previous year and a half. We enjoy doing the project and has achieved something significant (at least by my standard), but I am greedy, I want to do it further without holding back.
This might be my only chance in developing a product, I hope this could be remarkable, and I can feel product of it.
There's a commonlarity among these people, the talent for sure but the most important is, the passion. They are truly in love in the project and this explains why everything can go into the details.
I envy these people, on their talent, as well as their opportunity to work like this.
But to be fair, I am a lucky one too, who can work with 2 passionated team-mate over the previous year and a half. We enjoy doing the project and has achieved something significant (at least by my standard), but I am greedy, I want to do it further without holding back.
This might be my only chance in developing a product, I hope this could be remarkable, and I can feel product of it.
10/12/2005
My dad is a fighter
To live with the terminal illness is no easy task, it's not only the pain and un-comfort, but also what it has taken from you. Your capability in doing things you enjoy, your freedom to go around, and also the appetite to eat.
No matter what happened to him, he is still fighting positively against it, and do whatever he can in minimizing the impact it has given on him.
As his son, I keep wondering what would I be, if I am the one who suffer from this. I definitely won't have the patience to take the loads of medicine every day. And my temper will definitely goes bad against everything happened on me.
Dad, you are my hero and I will fight with you in every moment.
No matter what happened to him, he is still fighting positively against it, and do whatever he can in minimizing the impact it has given on him.
As his son, I keep wondering what would I be, if I am the one who suffer from this. I definitely won't have the patience to take the loads of medicine every day. And my temper will definitely goes bad against everything happened on me.
Dad, you are my hero and I will fight with you in every moment.
8/30/2005
Precious moments
I used to reserve a lot of time for myself in doing little things, like checking the apple fans's websites, reading books or magazines; which I could feel relaxed and gain my enjoyment.
The experience is like eating your own fruit which you grow it up from seedling.
But I have fewer and fewer time which I could spend. It is one of the difficult changes that I have to get used to. I need to set priority, giving way to things which I need to do first, instead of touching this and that at wills.
It is not easy but every seconds now I own is my precious moment.
The experience is like eating your own fruit which you grow it up from seedling.
But I have fewer and fewer time which I could spend. It is one of the difficult changes that I have to get used to. I need to set priority, giving way to things which I need to do first, instead of touching this and that at wills.
It is not easy but every seconds now I own is my precious moment.
7/03/2005
I learnt about life .. when I am washing the dishes
The family dine at my place frequently in these few days, since the chef, i.e. my dad, has went into the hospital who is suffering from lung cancer.
I was washing the dishes tonight and I think about all the scenario that will be happening ahead, dad suffering from the side effect of radiotherapy, getting in and out of the hospital, receiving phone call from the hospital when the moment has come.
So on so forth.
And then I have realised what life really meant.
Life is like going around the world after reading all the "Lonely Planet" ..
You learnt all the landmark but you don't know the place without getting to it.
I know I will get through all the exam, worrying about my graduation, my career, my marriage, etc. I know that people around me will be leaving one after the other and finally will be my parents and my wife. And at the end of the journey, I will be passed away too.
I know all these but I don't really understand what it is and how to get through in advance. No one can tell me but experiencing it by myself.
I was washing the dishes tonight and I think about all the scenario that will be happening ahead, dad suffering from the side effect of radiotherapy, getting in and out of the hospital, receiving phone call from the hospital when the moment has come.
So on so forth.
And then I have realised what life really meant.
Life is like going around the world after reading all the "Lonely Planet" ..
You learnt all the landmark but you don't know the place without getting to it.
I know I will get through all the exam, worrying about my graduation, my career, my marriage, etc. I know that people around me will be leaving one after the other and finally will be my parents and my wife. And at the end of the journey, I will be passed away too.
I know all these but I don't really understand what it is and how to get through in advance. No one can tell me but experiencing it by myself.
6/27/2005
How organize can a plate of spaghetti could be?
I am losing my focus and things become disorganized.
My dad has sent to the hospital, was informed that he will be undergoing the operation tomorrow. The anxiety begins to grow, worrying about how well the operation can be, is he able to recover and remain as strong as he used to be. Am I able to cope with the changes in our daily routine and what should I do for all the issues that will soon be coming up.
I am as uncertain as a pile of messed up spaghetti, one thing tied up with another and everyone of them could be a lead that awaits you to resolve.
My dad has sent to the hospital, was informed that he will be undergoing the operation tomorrow. The anxiety begins to grow, worrying about how well the operation can be, is he able to recover and remain as strong as he used to be. Am I able to cope with the changes in our daily routine and what should I do for all the issues that will soon be coming up.
I am as uncertain as a pile of messed up spaghetti, one thing tied up with another and everyone of them could be a lead that awaits you to resolve.
3/04/2005
Pragmatic or not
Warning! Geek's talk ahead!
If "SIT" only means
Pragmatic or not to be.
I am trying to embrace the pragmatic approach for the current product development, it went on nicely so far, until the point that it needs to be worked with another team.
Additional requirement, behavior and expectation from the product suddenly emerged all together. Documents, documents and documents, every different bits and pieces are requested from the new comer. And all of a sudden, I realised that I simply don't have much to offer.
The old reason why there aren't detail documentation on everything that has been done is plainly because I won't be able to update the documents before implementing anything. Also, the product is still in the work in progress phase, documentation
is simply the lowest priority among everything.
I agreed that there should be details be drawn at some point but is it necessary to have it throughout the whole process? Is it something "Pragmatic"?
I doubt so. Then where's the line should be drawn?
Wiki, it should be a good candidate for requirement tracking and design principal but is it for everyone?
I have no clue, yet. Your thought?
If "SIT" only means
"To rest with the torso vertical and the body supported on the buttocks. - dictionary.com"to you, then you probably won't be interested in the following article.
Pragmatic or not to be.
I am trying to embrace the pragmatic approach for the current product development, it went on nicely so far, until the point that it needs to be worked with another team.
Additional requirement, behavior and expectation from the product suddenly emerged all together. Documents, documents and documents, every different bits and pieces are requested from the new comer. And all of a sudden, I realised that I simply don't have much to offer.
The old reason why there aren't detail documentation on everything that has been done is plainly because I won't be able to update the documents before implementing anything. Also, the product is still in the work in progress phase, documentation
is simply the lowest priority among everything.
I agreed that there should be details be drawn at some point but is it necessary to have it throughout the whole process? Is it something "Pragmatic"?
I doubt so. Then where's the line should be drawn?
Wiki, it should be a good candidate for requirement tracking and design principal but is it for everyone?
I have no clue, yet. Your thought?
1/07/2005
Mis-understand
It would be good if the Hardboiled Wonderland do exist. No one can do harm to the others and no state of mind exist.
Do you have the experience of trying to express how you feel but turns out what the other has perceived is totally different? I feel this always.
I hope I can build up the unbreakable wall, enclosing myself into this wonderland and live with the people that I make up. Life could be perfect .. in a way.
Do you have the experience of trying to express how you feel but turns out what the other has perceived is totally different? I feel this always.
I hope I can build up the unbreakable wall, enclosing myself into this wonderland and live with the people that I make up. Life could be perfect .. in a way.
10/03/2004
Struggling
It's quite amazing when you grow older and older. You start to figure out how fast your dignity is washing away and how easy you compromise on happening that against your belief.
To live on, you have to follow the public belief - the value proposition that is widely recognized among the population. The further away you are stepping from the line, the higher the risk to live on - public mass pulling off their acepetance, job security suddenly becomes a question.
Don't challenge what the norm belives in, follow the pattern that everyone is living could give you a higher chance of survival. It's tough to me cause it involve the lowering of what I believe in.
The way I treasure on something - creativity, the love and passon, as well as how one can get concentrated in making things happen. Be it an invention of software, a business one has started. Thing should be simple but it doesn't meant it's effortless. I treasure on how much they did in getting it delivered.
The way of doing, on events happening against me - the so-called "self protection" by being suspicious to people working or living with. Be it a passenger you bump in, during a ride on the MTR, a colleague that you see everyday. How frequent that you has to package your idea or opinion so that you can make sure the maximum benefits can always be given to your side.
The matter of trust becomes so thin that I feel very scary. I feel miserable on why it is not suspected by anyone but me. OK, I know I am not the only one but I cannot find anyone that I know is having the same thought. When is the last time that you opened your heart? How come we have to deliver or project a false message to the recipient, in order to get what we want. Or push them to the trap that we have setup. Why aren't we eager to speak up the truth? When something is bad, it is bad! It shouldn't be mentioned as simply "No Good"!
Holding the forge is no simple task, you have to depart with the comrade that was all the way along, the comrade that you could left your live to. Indeed, you just cannot have both - either your belief or your companion.
Life doesn't mean to embrace everyone but why couldn't I just live on as how I see fit? You don't need to agree on me but please, don't throw stones at me while I am walking on my path.
To live on, you have to follow the public belief - the value proposition that is widely recognized among the population. The further away you are stepping from the line, the higher the risk to live on - public mass pulling off their acepetance, job security suddenly becomes a question.
Don't challenge what the norm belives in, follow the pattern that everyone is living could give you a higher chance of survival. It's tough to me cause it involve the lowering of what I believe in.
The way I treasure on something - creativity, the love and passon, as well as how one can get concentrated in making things happen. Be it an invention of software, a business one has started. Thing should be simple but it doesn't meant it's effortless. I treasure on how much they did in getting it delivered.
The way of doing, on events happening against me - the so-called "self protection" by being suspicious to people working or living with. Be it a passenger you bump in, during a ride on the MTR, a colleague that you see everyday. How frequent that you has to package your idea or opinion so that you can make sure the maximum benefits can always be given to your side.
The matter of trust becomes so thin that I feel very scary. I feel miserable on why it is not suspected by anyone but me. OK, I know I am not the only one but I cannot find anyone that I know is having the same thought. When is the last time that you opened your heart? How come we have to deliver or project a false message to the recipient, in order to get what we want. Or push them to the trap that we have setup. Why aren't we eager to speak up the truth? When something is bad, it is bad! It shouldn't be mentioned as simply "No Good"!
Holding the forge is no simple task, you have to depart with the comrade that was all the way along, the comrade that you could left your live to. Indeed, you just cannot have both - either your belief or your companion.
Life doesn't mean to embrace everyone but why couldn't I just live on as how I see fit? You don't need to agree on me but please, don't throw stones at me while I am walking on my path.
8/24/2004
As I have told you many times, I am someone low in confidence and easily envy on people who could do things better than I do.
And it turns out I won't get close to many of the people around. I don't like to feel crapy when I hang around with others.
Speaking up to be open minded is easy but it is not when you try to act. It is not I don't want to listen to but I don't want to bow down to someone I dislike.
Have I told you I am selective in choosing who to listen to?
Yeah, I find it's like a magic, I could feel interesting when I learn a thing or two from someone I can get close to. I would admire this guy, too. But if he is someone that I dislike, I feel disgusting.
It is always a struggle when I don't know something which can be solved easily or something which should be treated as fundamental. I am imposing strict rules to myself but I am lazy to beat myself up.
And it turns out I won't get close to many of the people around. I don't like to feel crapy when I hang around with others.
Speaking up to be open minded is easy but it is not when you try to act. It is not I don't want to listen to but I don't want to bow down to someone I dislike.
Have I told you I am selective in choosing who to listen to?
Yeah, I find it's like a magic, I could feel interesting when I learn a thing or two from someone I can get close to. I would admire this guy, too. But if he is someone that I dislike, I feel disgusting.
It is always a struggle when I don't know something which can be solved easily or something which should be treated as fundamental. I am imposing strict rules to myself but I am lazy to beat myself up.
8/16/2004
Living in the lonely planet
I have to admit that I am a narrow minded person. I stand quite firm on what I believe and is not that open minded towards idea of others. Unless they are given by people that I trust.
And I am not good at striking for anything that I need. I think I would expect the others can observe my needs and act accordingly.
The product development should be fun but it's not. It's now like chasing a moving target and I am the only one who is trying to strike for it. My team-mate is now taken away by the other product team. Claiming he knows well enough on the other product and he can help more on it. But hey, you can't just say he's good and I want it and take him away!
Everyone wants a top notch buddy but if you don't have one, you gotta think!
It speaks for myself, too. I lose the team-mate and I better restructure on my next move.
The thing that annoy me is the instability, I guess. It's not moving on in the pace that I feel comfortable with. I guess that's the reason.
Anyway, time to brush up myself.
And I am not good at striking for anything that I need. I think I would expect the others can observe my needs and act accordingly.
The product development should be fun but it's not. It's now like chasing a moving target and I am the only one who is trying to strike for it. My team-mate is now taken away by the other product team. Claiming he knows well enough on the other product and he can help more on it. But hey, you can't just say he's good and I want it and take him away!
Everyone wants a top notch buddy but if you don't have one, you gotta think!
It speaks for myself, too. I lose the team-mate and I better restructure on my next move.
The thing that annoy me is the instability, I guess. It's not moving on in the pace that I feel comfortable with. I guess that's the reason.
Anyway, time to brush up myself.
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