Happiness

Happiness is here and now, I have dropped my worries.
Nowhere to go, nothing to do, no longer in a hurry.

Happiness is here and now, I have dropped my worries.
Somewhere to go, something to do, but not in a hurry.

That's not what I said, but from Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh (一行禪師).

"Here and now", is not a statement, but a realization. We realize it through our breathe, we free ourselves from the prison of the past, and no going to worry about the unknown future. We treasure the present moment, no matter how minute it is. The cup of tea we sip, is a gift from the cosmos, nourish the leaves and finally given to our cup.

We don't need a visa, or to be dead in entering the buddah land, or the heaven if you believe in God. We can enjoy our wonderful moment here and now.

It's the passion that counts

I love to watch soccer match, but I don't have much chances until I have Cable TV installed when I moved in to this new flat (since 3 years ago, that is). Since then, I spent some of the time over the weekend in watching matches of the England Premiership, and I noticed that Chelsea is the team I love.

Why though, you said?

Excitement? Sometimes ...

But team spirit and the passion from the players intrigued me most. It drops a bit in this season but I got the emotion back (on why I love this team) tonight.

Long story short - they have to win tonight if they want to keep the possibility of winning the trophy. But they are already one score behind, with one man dismissed before first half.

The situation is tough, real tough. But the keyman, JT, shows his leadership right away. He show his influences to his teammate by action - running all around and given lethal strike. Everyone in the team are motivated and you can hardly noticed that they are the side with one man less. The effect magnifies when they strike the balance and they go all for it until the very last seconds. Sadly, the ball didn't get into the net for the second time.

Whistle blowed and I thought all is over. But JM step right into the field, shake hands with everyone, including players from the other team. And he headed straight to the podium. I was dumb founded but noticed that the quarter are filled up with fans of Chelsea. He ask them to applause, certainly not to himself but diverted it all to his boys. JT follows behind and throw his tee up to the supporter, with the rest follows.

The whole scenario is very moving. JM hug his boys and I can feel the team spirit of the blues.

Although you failed, you tried whatever it takes.

I want to ...

I want to know myself.
I want to be myself.
I want to be happy.
I want to be honest.
I want to be fair.
I want to be free.
I want to breath.
I want to put down.
I want to ...

After all, I just want to be an atom in the Nature. Like water in the river.

Reminder

I am not feeling well since Tuesday, having a slight fever and gastroenteritis (intestine inflammation in layman terms). I have to sleep for hours and is only feeling better till today.

But the weakness, not capable to focus on anything and also the aches are all a reminder, or an alerm. It reminds me I have to take good care of my body, or I will not be able to do anything I desire. What's more, it is a lesson to me, reminding how much dad had suffered over the course. I had only suffered for two or three days and is already frustrated. I can't imagine what would it be like for the whole year. Not to mention the degree of suffering.

To everyone, being healthy is a blessing, embrace what you have. And think from the perspective of the patient. Spare your patience and love, and when you are feeling annoyed, just remember how you feel when you are sick and sleeping helplessly on the bed.

人生

人生是一個充滿著整理，而之後都是整理的旅程，除卻你離世的事宜之外。

閒逛

藉買燈泡為名，跑到百貨公司走了一圈。商場內響著聖誕音樂，發現自己童心未泯，在玩具部把玩著車子啦，模型啦，一些我兒時的至愛。

人越大，就越懂得珍惜自己的時間。縱使只是十來分鐘的閒逛，就足以讓我感到豐裕。

到底燈泡有買了麼？當然有，我還買了剛用完的日用品。工作，始終還是要做的。

Senseless

I was joking around with Joel this afternoon, on why he will feel cold in HK, concerning he has been living in Canada for so many years. His theory is like, it was so cold in Canada that you cannot feel a thing so it doesn't matter. But in HK, it's not that cold yet so you are still sensible.

This just sounds like what life is about,

Life sucks when you are neither dead nor alive but dying.

The harmony of design and proportion

Each time when she gets off from work late, I am a bit angry. I have been telling myself it is pointless since she has work to do but I just cannot convince myself. At first, I thought I am just having different value proposition, work to me is something that you cannot finish, something can easily put down. To her, she cannot bear something left behind. But the more I think about it, the more I think this is not where my anger rooted from.

Is it because of my envy? Am I complaining why it is always me to put down the work and take care of what has to be done (cooking, dish washing etc)? But again, it could be, yet not definitely.

Now, I think I found the cause. I hate the imbalance. No matter is it work, play, or any activities. When it goes over the top, i.e. you spend most of your time and resources into it, to the point that YOU HAVE TO SACRIFICE SOMEONE. My anger arise.

Remember I talked about envy? It's part of the game as said. Simply because I want deadly to immerse totally into what I like but in a way I just cannot tolerate myself to be selfish.

Finale

The last note had hammered but the echo will remain.

Dad had finished his marathon on last Friday.

He was sent into the hosptial a week ago because of an increase in Calcium level, we naively thought that we could celebrate the mid-autum festival after the injection. Indeed, we didn't know it was the final knock on the door.

In the 6 days, his condition was getting worst quickly, yet, he was still fighting mightily. On his last day, although he could hardly drink water, he was still trying his best to swallow the pills. On 6th of October, 6 o'clock in the morning, he left with his last breath, with the accompany by my elder brother.

Dad, thank you so much in letting me to stay with you for the whole year, and showing me what brave and wisdom is. The disease had brought so many nights of pain, we fought it together and strengthen our bounding that nothing can defeat us.

Rest, in peace, I am sure we will be seeing again not long in the future.

P.S. I would like to thank sincerely to all of you, whom I haven't met, for your support and blessing throughout the years. Cherish life, and my blessing to you a happy and healthy life.

When I was on my way back to office

I was on my way back to the office this morning when I saw the uncle and aunt, holding hand in hand, walking elegantly across the street.

It looks so sweet, for a couple that has been together for so many years (I assume ;)), remains intimate. Even if the relationship didn't fade out, there are just too many occasion that inhibit the loved one to retain like when they are young.

With my blessing to them.

時間寶貴

又是每個月到醫院覆診的日子，病況正如預期般。謝醫生細心地聆聽着病況的變化，並依據着轉變而調整處方。

但最為我所動的，是她淡淡然地跟我說 — 時間寶貴。

真的，這一年得來不易，亦沒有人可知還有多少時間，相聚的每刻都應多珍惜，尤其是了解到生命是如此無常。

The day is getting closer

It is scary in noticing the day is getting closer and closer. The falling in condition, the increased dosage of medication, are all alerting me that I should get ready.

Going through the mental exercise, envisioning what am I going to see and experience, but I am still feeling frightened when it begins to happen.

What am I afraid of? The passing away of dad? The pain in seeing him suffering on each day? The process of after life handling? The taking care of mom?

I have no clue.

I keep telling myself it is a natural process but it doesn't seems to convince my shivering heart. After all, he is my closest one, who has been living through 1/3 of my life. You just can't beat the emotion that comes when you are about to depart from it, but yet, it is just a natural emotion. No one loves to depart, in particular when it means forever.

The pain that even molphine cannot relief.

Pain from the tumor is turning acute.

A recent visit to the doctor has changed his prescription with molphine sulphate, which should be able to relief his pain effectively.

But it could not diminish our pain in seeing him to suffer from coughing, with each stroke like a stabbing with a knife. We are surrendered helpless, except from seeing him crying in tears.

This reminded me our experience last year, when we first discovered his illness and worried in every seconds. Now, we are moving onwards to a later stage of the journey, which even less could be done but more pain is suffered.

It is a joke, that no one wants to suffer from the pain, whereas no one dares to end the journey.

Yet, it will go when it is time to go.

Sleep, or stay awake.

My own time begins when everyone goes to bed. I could continue my work, or browse around to my favourite websites.

So I usually stay up till lately.

But indeed, going to sleep is the only moment that I can let go of everything. The responsibility as a son, the taking care of the family.

So every night turns out to be a dilema, but luckily, it is still my own time in either way.

你想看見的

人生是由遺憾，和以此交換，而又獨一無二的確幸所形成。

問題是，你在慨嘆所付出的，還是珍惜因而獲得的那些？

Technology that I cherish

I earn my living by writing code.


But I am always doubtful on the importance of technology. It surely ease our daily life but I have never experienced the "magic moment" like when I read through passages in a novel or encounter a music segment in a symphony.


Until this Sunday, things have changed.


My buddy had bought my family, my brother to be precise, a gift for my wedding. To make a long story short, my brother hasn't come back for many years and they cannot see each other easily. Flying back is an expensive option which he cannot do regularly and my parents have difficulty in even going across the harbor, so flying to Canada is out of the question.


They have bought him a mac mini with an iSight, which enables my parents in seeing him at home at anytime they want. We have finally seen each other on the previous Sunday, everyone at home were very excited since we can talk, and even see, each other freely.


Now, I could finally convince myself that, the industry I am working for, do bring good to the community.

Call me the "solvent"

I thought working 110 hours a week is already something significant. But I am surprised that I am now working all the time except from my 5 hours of sleep.

OK, it's not like working non-stop all the time, I do eat and play around (like the blog I am writing now).

And for the rest of the time, I work like a solvent. I keep providing solution to anyone approaches me, my boss at work or my parents at home. Fixing a bug or cooking a dish for dinner.

Is that what the human being were born to be?

Don't you find something is wrong? Is solving out problem the no. 1 objective that sustain our existence? We keep looking for our solvent but turns out we can only be the other's solvent.

BTW, I guess I am close to the saturation point.

賀詞

結婚當日，除了賀詞，最多人對我說的是，"你要好好照顧阿翎"。

奉茶給岳父時，他邊擁着羅翎痛哭，邊訴說着他捨不得女兒出嫁。我不斷重申，"我會好好照顧她的"，但好像都于是無補。

於婚姻註冊處跟親友碰面時，他們都會對我說，"我最疼阿翎的，你要好好照顧她！"

她工作時的上司，亦跟眾親友一樣，對我寄語相同的叮嚀。

就連我公母，亦吩咐我，要好好對待他們的媳婦。

我不奇言在想，莫非我給大家的印象真是這麼差，還是我配下上她？我明白大家都是發自於對羅翎的疼愛，我只是有點混亂，倘若你都有跟我說過這番話，不妨給我一個電郵，細說委實。

Are there anything difficult in the world?

One thing annoys me a lot is, when people keep telling me this is simple.

The people who say so is either don't know shit or they are really clever.

But in reality, I think most of them are just ignorant.

Or is it I am thinking too much? ;)

Insomnia

I used to sleep soundly, until recently, that I am experiencing a couple of night of insomnia.

It maybe the caffeine, it maybe the restless mind, it maybe both.

My rapidly pumping heart, my coughing dad, all keeps me awake. The restless results in faster metabolism and it gotta pump faster to compensate the dissipation.

It's a dead loop, until it breakdown, or I could sort out the imbalance.

Would this be another changes which shows up as aging?