當家變得沉重

家，擔當着一個避難以及休息的場所。但當回到家時，反而覺得沉重，悲鬱，實在是有家歸不得。

我是個戀家的人，興趣都是環繞着各種靜態的室內作業；聽音樂，看書，弄咖啡。奈何，每當在家時，週遭都瀰漫着霉霉的，陰沉的，令人不安的分子。

這個懸浮物來自患病而變得消極的父親，來自變得年老而體弱的母親，來自要照顧他們所帶來的壓力，來自犧牲自我空間的鬱結，來自對未婚妻的歉意。

一切都況似別無他法，都況似我需要默然承受。

再忍耐一下吧，我憧憬的生活或許遲些就會來臨；又或許再過一會後，我可以把自身放下，欣然成為個侍奉者。

P.S. 可笑的是，我在三年前亦有相近的狀況，看來，這三年只有把問題隱藏，而並非得到了解決。

Intersection point

I feel myself getting very close to the intersection point. The point which I will fed up and have my temper all bursted out.

I keep reminding myself that, it's not fair to transfer the heat in taking care of the family to my parents. Indeed, the recent happenings have my pressure keep building up, to a point that the garbage collection simply doesn't work.

I love what I am doing at work, but I need to put it aside everyday, so that I can go home and cook for everyone.

Monday to Sunday.

I keep telling myself to look around. Mothers around not simply need to work but also cook, as well as taking care of their children.

Will they complain? I guess not. But to think a bit deeper, it's more than that.

Dad relies on the oxygen mask most of the time. He can walk around OK in the podium but to go beyond that, we insist to go along. But guess what, when we were not around yesterday, he went to the bank WITHOUT the mask. It takes at least 10-20 minute to go over there and I believe the total time for a round trip is about 30 min.

So you can imagine how dangerous it could be. But guess why he dares to take the risk? Because he has no money and need to spend?

Hell NO! He just doesn't want to leave the money in the bank when he pass away.

Come on! How much does he got in this account? A fxcking several thousand dollars only!

I am totally speechless. The emotional issue that occured between me, and my parents, are making me sad. I don't mind doing the household but all I am longing is, they can take care of themselves. NO risky act, pleassse.

I don't know how much longer I can hang on to that. But I guess I can prevent a serious outburst. Afterall, I can cry in the toilet.

The marathon runner

A number of entries have been created for my dad, which I feel unfair to my mom, since she is the marathon runner which I admired on.

She is a patient of valvular heart disease for well over 10 to 20 years. The condition is kept controlled by taking a bunch of pills everyday. How many of them, you might ask?

40.

There are 18 different kinds of pills in total (hey! I do the pills packaging for her!) and some needs to be taken 3 times a day. Her patience and discipline should be well respected. I already felt annoyed by finishing the anti-biotics which last for 5 days. I cannot imagine myself, in taking up pills everyday for years, and not to mention the vast amount!

Stay healthy, my mom.

It's the passion that counts

The desire to write something about myself has gone stale for quite a long time, until recently, which I have gone through the book "Revolution in The Valley ". The book contains articles written by the core developer of the original Macintosh, yeah, the one released in 1984. They talked about the funny things happened during the development, from the very beginning (around 1980) which the project only contains a handful of people only, to the later stage, with well over 80 staff. You can indeed find many of the article from www.folklore.org.

There's a commonlarity among these people, the talent for sure but the most important is, the passion. They are truly in love in the project and this explains why everything can go into the details.

I envy these people, on their talent, as well as their opportunity to work like this.

But to be fair, I am a lucky one too, who can work with 2 passionated team-mate over the previous year and a half. We enjoy doing the project and has achieved something significant (at least by my standard), but I am greedy, I want to do it further without holding back.

This might be my only chance in developing a product, I hope this could be remarkable, and I can feel product of it.

My dad is a fighter

To live with the terminal illness is no easy task, it's not only the pain and un-comfort, but also what it has taken from you. Your capability in doing things you enjoy, your freedom to go around, and also the appetite to eat.

No matter what happened to him, he is still fighting positively against it, and do whatever he can in minimizing the impact it has given on him.

As his son, I keep wondering what would I be, if I am the one who suffer from this. I definitely won't have the patience to take the loads of medicine every day. And my temper will definitely goes bad against everything happened on me.

Dad, you are my hero and I will fight with you in every moment.

Precious moments

I used to reserve a lot of time for myself in doing little things, like checking the apple fans's websites, reading books or magazines; which I could feel relaxed and gain my enjoyment.

The experience is like eating your own fruit which you grow it up from seedling.

But I have fewer and fewer time which I could spend. It is one of the difficult changes that I have to get used to. I need to set priority, giving way to things which I need to do first, instead of touching this and that at wills.

It is not easy but every seconds now I own is my precious moment.

I learnt about life .. when I am washing the dishes

The family dine at my place frequently in these few days, since the chef, i.e. my dad, has went into the hospital who is suffering from lung cancer.

I was washing the dishes tonight and I think about all the scenario that will be happening ahead, dad suffering from the side effect of radiotherapy, getting in and out of the hospital, receiving phone call from the hospital when the moment has come.

So on so forth.

And then I have realised what life really meant.

Life is like going around the world after reading all the "Lonely Planet" ..

You learnt all the landmark but you don't know the place without getting to it.

I know I will get through all the exam, worrying about my graduation, my career, my marriage, etc. I know that people around me will be leaving one after the other and finally will be my parents and my wife. And at the end of the journey, I will be passed away too.

I know all these but I don't really understand what it is and how to get through in advance. No one can tell me but experiencing it by myself.

How organize can a plate of spaghetti could be?

I am losing my focus and things become disorganized.

My dad has sent to the hospital, was informed that he will be undergoing the operation tomorrow. The anxiety begins to grow, worrying about how well the operation can be, is he able to recover and remain as strong as he used to be. Am I able to cope with the changes in our daily routine and what should I do for all the issues that will soon be coming up.

I am as uncertain as a pile of messed up spaghetti, one thing tied up with another and everyone of them could be a lead that awaits you to resolve.

Pragmatic or not

Warning! Geek's talk ahead!

If "SIT" only means

 "To rest with the torso vertical and the body supported on the buttocks. - dictionary.com" 

to you, then you probably won't be interested in the following article.

Pragmatic or not to be.

I am trying to embrace the pragmatic approach for the current product development, it went on nicely so far, until the point that it needs to be worked with another team.

Additional requirement, behavior and expectation from the product suddenly emerged all together. Documents, documents and documents, every different bits and pieces are requested from the new comer. And all of a sudden, I realised that I simply don't have much to offer.

The old reason why there aren't detail documentation on everything that has been done is plainly because I won't be able to update the documents before implementing anything. Also, the product is still in the work in progress phase, documentation
is simply the lowest priority among everything.

I agreed that there should be details be drawn at some point but is it necessary to have it throughout the whole process? Is it something "Pragmatic"?

I doubt so. Then where's the line should be drawn?

Wiki, it should be a good candidate for requirement tracking and design principal but is it for everyone?

I have no clue, yet. Your thought?

Mis-understand

It would be good if the Hardboiled Wonderland do exist. No one can do harm to the others and no state of mind exist.

Do you have the experience of trying to express how you feel but turns out what the other has perceived is totally different? I feel this always.

I hope I can build up the unbreakable wall, enclosing myself into this wonderland and live with the people that I make up. Life could be perfect .. in a way.