I think I care

The arena which I once was the King is now captured by someone else, he is performing and praise is given.

I am jealous.

And yet, it is myself who has selected to give out the throne but why do I still care about how well the new Emperor is performing?

It is the geek inside who think he can do the same but only better. After all, I still treasure the praise from others.

The perspective of thinking

It has been discussed for many times - Job Sucks.

I am unhappy in my job, I feel no satisfaction, joy, archivement in my job. I keep feeling the pressure, the tiredness. Anyway, this is not what I am trying to discuss now.

The older I am, the further I found myself away from my closed friend. Our way of thinking starts to depart, my age keeps it's annual increment but the principal of thinking seems diverting to a direction different from people in my same age group. Things that I see it is wrong are looked as they are normal to them. They have the argument that I don't agree with, why it has to be like this, I asked myself.

I am not feeling lonely but I found fewer and fewer people staying in the same channel as I do. One way of seeing it is, more channels are opened (by meeting new friends) and it is difficult to stay in the same channel all the time. But me, umm, I have met new friend too, but my desire to change channel is little.

I have two choices - widen up my boundary and bump into more social life or get used to what I enjoy, staying in within and admit the reality.

Am I difficult to work with?

I thought I can be an up-to-par mentor.. or at least a team-mate that won't be hated by other team member. But recently, I found myself becoming easier to get angry with whatever thing, when they are not developing into what I desire. I lost my patient easily.

Besides, I think I hate lazy ass, if everything has to be told precisely, what I mean is, the detail level has to be go down to every single incident, then why do I need a team? I can do everything myself! I expect people to look for the answer, at least try to, before approaching and get the answer straight.

I hope this is just a temporary emotional issue or the desire to grow strong as a self-centred person will become out of hand.

The struggling body

Heart beating, spirit filled up with anger but still have to accomplish on the task "assigned". Call me someone with low EQ but I would gratefully considering myself as someone with character.

But why am I having such a bad feeling? The tasks themselves are neutral in nature and it is me attaching all the emotion.

Again, why?

I am seeing all these as negative, something trying to act against me and that's why I feel bad. But then, no one is trying to do me harm, I am just projecting this out, considering everyone is pushing me to the corner.

The true corner is, I can't meet up the schedule and I am afraid of the happening. Afraid of being blamed on, being put in the position of fault.

I can't stand for being put in the difficult position, I accept no fault to myself.

No matter how many times I told myself, the failure doesn't matter, the failure is not something life and death. I am not convinced. I am trying to push for the deadline. I am working hard. And I don't see it justify. And I lost my time to do what I want. And that's why I feel angry.

It's that simple.

I feel angry = I don't have time to play.

A child to the end.

The diminishing of self isolation

After Mr. Bell has invented the telephone, people started losing the
excuses from not reporting or connecting to the party concerned. Still,
we are hooked with the avaiplability of telephone network, but together
with the invention and advancement of pager and cellular phone, this excuse
starts fading out.

We can get connected all the time, everywhere.

But it seems this is not enough yet, SMS and even instant messaging
is growing strongly, not only as a thing of leisure but as a medium
for corporate usage.

My question is, am I so important that I need to be reached all time?
Shouldn't there a limit in reaching by anyone, and let alone having the own time and doing something
private? I think we are born to do things important to our own
but not helping others to get there things done.

The technology itself does not necessary to be a bad thing but the people who
use it can be. I just hope that people will recognitize all the outcome
before embracing all these thing on the horizon.

Escape

Philip told me about the desire to escape, I didn't realize I have the same thought until he raised this up in our recent conversation.

I have been deciding to go for a long time, because of the stress, frustration, boredom, etc. And the desire to escape is indeed one of the key factor, too.

Imagine you are playing freefall for 10 times a day, and you don't know for how many more times you gotta play with. This is what I have been experiencing in these couple of months.

Indeed, tackling with the performance issue is no new thing, I have to deal with this in every single project I have been working on. I feel panic everytime but definitely not as much as it is now. This one is not in anyway more complicated than the others, the major different is, I have to face the user directly and the application has already roll out to production. It seems to me that there are not any buffer to fine tune the process.

What even worst is, I don't seems to know on how to improve the performance. Have I told you I am on my own, too?

The phone just rang and the desire to quit grows again. I don't want to worry about it each day until either I died or everything get forget.

Try your best

This is the number 1 rule that we all first learnt, but the interpretation varies among different people.

To me, I am taking it damn serious,so serious that, the "best" I interpret means I should try with all my might, squeezing the very last bit of energy out of what I have.

This is tiring, very damn tiring.

I didn't realize this is wrong, until I found that I will die if I keep on squeezing but still cannot archive what is needed.

So, what's the best one can do?

Take away the time that should't be sacrificed - sleep, eat, rest, etc. The remaining is the time that you can optimized.

I gotta freeze and stick with this baseline, or else, I will be crushed in any time.

Feeling of anxiety

I think this is something called adrenaline, if I know what is composed of, I will get rid of eating anything possessing this element.

OK, from the moment I am in the office, my heart is beating faster than it actually needs. I guess. An I feel myself is very tense - my shoulder is tight and I don't have any appetitte.

What's happening is that, I have numbers of obstacles ahead but I only have limited ammo, where and when should I shoot and what if I missed and what even if I shot it down and will I have a chance to win this stupid game?

I am confused. I don't dare to win and I don't mind losing, just give me a choice, OK?

Lover is

My lover is someone I want to see when I go back home.
My lover is someone who I want to go out with
My lover is someone who I will get worried if she is late from work
My lover is someone who will laugh with me when seeing a cute little child
My lover is someone who will call me softly when I am weak and need encouragement
My lover is someone who I want to share everything with

My lover is you, Annis, my loved one.

When the boundary fades away

I feel frustrated, helpless and stressful.

When the cell phone ring and you no longer can be sure it is from any friends you know, when you are not certain if you should relax and do whatever you enjoy, you are blurring the boundary between your work and regular life.

I am one of the one to blame on, since I cannot manage the tasks properly. Giving an impression that, everything on hand has to be done right at the spot. It is not necessary for most of the time, besides, there's always a limit that we should bind ourselves to. If everything has to be executed in such a tight schedule, no one can live with it and quality cannot be promised.

Back to the old saying, play well when you are free, work hard when you need to.

Sounds simple but I should keep reminding myself every moment from now on.

Where the fun has gone

The happy time, the excited moment, which I once has found and expierenced, has now gone to nowhere.

I had fun with the experinment, just about a month ago, but now, I simply don't have the initiative to work on it, I can no longer see the fun behind.

The nature of the experinment is interesting as still, just that I am dragged back to the same chaos before. When I am in the mildst of the torture, I have lost my energy and momentum to do anything.

Also, I don't know how to rest well.

This whind up to a complete mess.. unless I either found the solution or can get the hell out of it.

Buddy, you hit the spot (and you hit it hard)

This is the second time that I feel angry and want to quit right away. And with this recent encountering, I can finally tell where is my dead zone and the cause that will make me want to quit.

Dignit and respect. The core of what I need in every job. When anyone is having doubt on either of the two, bingo buddy, you hit the spot that will make me resign.

I have rpeated for many times, workload, satisfaction and fun, are some of the factors that make me feels wanna resign, but I could bear with it most of the time, better said, I could endure for a while.

But when I found myself working without dignity, have to compromise on the core of my base line, I cannot tolerate.

And now is the moment...

May luck be with me that I can soon swift away from this shit.

Individualism

Just get passed my 30 years milestone and something seems to be swirling around. I don't intended to push the switch but I maybe doing it sub-consciously.

I feel myself going back to where I am 10 years ago.

I am not rejuvenating but the once sealed gateway is tearing off bit by bit. The once diverted me is behaving as what I was.

Starting from the journey I went to Taiwan, I am enjoying more and more of my own time. I grab every opportunity that I can, to isolate myself.

I have a question and I need an answer. The way to achive is to think and I need time and isolation in doing so. More and more of my time is being spent in meaningless events -- working in the area / direction that I don't intend to. And the more I have done, the further away I found myself from what I want to be -- uber geek.

I can sense myself compromising on more than I would, I feel helpless. It seems to me that I don't have an alternative.

"Do something you care about", the prophecy said.

I started my dataCapsule and walk blogging project, it helps but I feel tired.. since I simply cannot split myself between here and there.

In 10 years, I will reach another milestone. Time will not wait for anyone and decision has to be made in every moment. In a fiercely flowing stream, I have to concentrate and make sure I am going to where I want.

The "dataCapsule" project - Episode 1

I know I have been herbinated for quite a while.. before heading full throttle to anything serious, well, I don't mean this article is not serious, just in a different perspective.

Let's read the "Geek Talk".