Home sweet Home.
Yes, it was and I surely think it will but not for the moment.
It is horrible in having such a thought -- hanging on to anywhere for as long as I could instead of heading home. Problems everywhere, big and small, simple and complicate. I love my parents, sure thing, no question is needed but I am exhausted in the mean time.
In the day time, I am spending all my effort to deal with no matter what if I like, settling those I could or couldn't and when I am home, there are something more awaiting for me.. so how dare do U think I would like to head home straight?
I know it is a stupid thought, since no matter what, I have to deal with it, just like what I did in the day time and I KNOW it heartily that I should find a way to ease my pain rather than escaping it till the last moment.
Call me selfish if you dare, I won't speak against a word but I am tired.. maybe I am simply someone who can't tolerate with challenges or the up and down and prefer giving up rather than getting through it.
And yet, the me deep inside reminded myself that I am someone responsible, I am someone capable and what I now am lacking is the strength and courage, rest and the peace. It is now the time for me to look for the proper way in shaping up myself, learn to let loose, learn to gain confidence and strengthen my love to the people around.
7/28/2002
7/25/2002
I have a war to fight
Life sucks.
Throughout our lives, we are walking through a tunnel, wide and big, small and narrow, depends on your fate and the decision you have made.
In my days beforehand, I used to be upset and keep on thinking what leads to the outcome, why I am always in bad luck? Is it my attitude or is it just my fate? I feel nervous, boring, helpless, scary and try to enclose myself in one piece, to seek for the peace and warm.
I keep on shaking.
Did I see the twilight or is it just the torch left by someone ahead?
I am desparate.... impatience.... become motionless and giving all up and cry.
But it doesn't help shit.. looking around on all the wounds I have made, I start to realize there is nothing I should feel sad about, it is just the arrangement, what gives? I will just have all of myself being withdrawn but SO WHAT?! You cannot beat me, I am just a piece of flesh, no matter what, I will get into the graveyard, you can take everything away but not my simple piece of mind! I can shoot sky rocket with all my imagination and you don't know shit about it! HA!
Brush up myself, really, the tunnel is narrow and dark but I am not scary anymore, even if I cannot find the exit.
I WILL BLOW ONE UP FOR MYSELF!
No, not only for myself, but for everyone around me, my beloved family, my angel and everyone I care.
Throughout our lives, we are walking through a tunnel, wide and big, small and narrow, depends on your fate and the decision you have made.
In my days beforehand, I used to be upset and keep on thinking what leads to the outcome, why I am always in bad luck? Is it my attitude or is it just my fate? I feel nervous, boring, helpless, scary and try to enclose myself in one piece, to seek for the peace and warm.
I keep on shaking.
Did I see the twilight or is it just the torch left by someone ahead?
I am desparate.... impatience.... become motionless and giving all up and cry.
But it doesn't help shit.. looking around on all the wounds I have made, I start to realize there is nothing I should feel sad about, it is just the arrangement, what gives? I will just have all of myself being withdrawn but SO WHAT?! You cannot beat me, I am just a piece of flesh, no matter what, I will get into the graveyard, you can take everything away but not my simple piece of mind! I can shoot sky rocket with all my imagination and you don't know shit about it! HA!
Brush up myself, really, the tunnel is narrow and dark but I am not scary anymore, even if I cannot find the exit.
I WILL BLOW ONE UP FOR MYSELF!
No, not only for myself, but for everyone around me, my beloved family, my angel and everyone I care.
7/14/2002
The whinning should be over
I hope it all doesn't comes up to be too late, yes, nothing should be too late. It is scary to note that how much I might have forgotten or simply ignored in the previous month or so. After I keep complaining how sucks my life currently is.
My concentration towards my beloved, my family and all the thing I treasured dropped a lot. I accused my self-centred behaviour to the overwhelming of job, or uncertainty about my career. It simply sounds too logical to me, I got slapped in the job, and I can pay a smaller attention to the rest of everything, expecting to be understood and awaiting the "day" to come.
This is not true. The day will never come because it is already there.
It is so interesting to me that, I came across the piece of blog my best buddy has prepared a year ago, about our awaiting of something before we can make ourselves happy. This is what I am now. I hope the chaos will be over and I can be myself once again.
No. I shouldn't wait for it but resolve it all by myself now. It is totally my fault if I leave out everything to dust by waiting what I believe I deserve. Time won't wait for anyone, obstacle will be along no matter where I go. So, why bother waiting for a miracle to happen but not making it by myself?
With all my desire that stated before, I now can find my fuel to keep my engine rolling. And to everyone, especially my angel, I am sorry for being so selfish recently.. I just don't aware that cuts have already been made and please, let me be the bandage, to soothe the pain I have made.
My concentration towards my beloved, my family and all the thing I treasured dropped a lot. I accused my self-centred behaviour to the overwhelming of job, or uncertainty about my career. It simply sounds too logical to me, I got slapped in the job, and I can pay a smaller attention to the rest of everything, expecting to be understood and awaiting the "day" to come.
This is not true. The day will never come because it is already there.
It is so interesting to me that, I came across the piece of blog my best buddy has prepared a year ago, about our awaiting of something before we can make ourselves happy. This is what I am now. I hope the chaos will be over and I can be myself once again.
No. I shouldn't wait for it but resolve it all by myself now. It is totally my fault if I leave out everything to dust by waiting what I believe I deserve. Time won't wait for anyone, obstacle will be along no matter where I go. So, why bother waiting for a miracle to happen but not making it by myself?
With all my desire that stated before, I now can find my fuel to keep my engine rolling. And to everyone, especially my angel, I am sorry for being so selfish recently.. I just don't aware that cuts have already been made and please, let me be the bandage, to soothe the pain I have made.
7/07/2002
Hollow vs Emptiness
I think I have talked about the feeling of emptied out a lot of time before, just that I finally find the word.
When I grow up, I found that I learnt less, the problem is 2 fold, life become repetitve, doing the same thing, facing the same problem without a solution that could be found for each time, bored by the same old thing, going to the same restaurant. And the capabitily to receive new idea drops. No excitement, no refreshment.
I used to believe I am just being dragged away by my job, head being emptied and looking for the day to refill what has lost.
This is not true.
For years, I am still uncertain about where the balance point between life and career is. I am still persuading myself I am capable, trying to regain some of my confidence. Not until now, I found that I am not simply emptied out but have both end of myself being drilled away like a "hollow trunk".
So, no matter how much effort I have put to "repair" the situation, it is sort of like pouring water into the drainage - you can never fill this up.
Just if I can find the old lid.
When I grow up, I found that I learnt less, the problem is 2 fold, life become repetitve, doing the same thing, facing the same problem without a solution that could be found for each time, bored by the same old thing, going to the same restaurant. And the capabitily to receive new idea drops. No excitement, no refreshment.
I used to believe I am just being dragged away by my job, head being emptied and looking for the day to refill what has lost.
This is not true.
For years, I am still uncertain about where the balance point between life and career is. I am still persuading myself I am capable, trying to regain some of my confidence. Not until now, I found that I am not simply emptied out but have both end of myself being drilled away like a "hollow trunk".
So, no matter how much effort I have put to "repair" the situation, it is sort of like pouring water into the drainage - you can never fill this up.
Just if I can find the old lid.
7/03/2002
Over drain
Another month has just passwd away but yet, I still cannot see the twilight.
Hang on there, it's going to be ended soon, I was told. Finish it up and pay respect to yourself, I always heard.
Really? I start to wonder. I hate to listen to all these, when you are not the one who suffer. Do you know how painful it is when you are going to bed, knowing that at the time when you open your eyes, you have to face the shit for another day. Do you know how bad it feels when you have lost the appetize to eat and want spill out everything you tried to grab into your mouth? Do you know how helpless one is, when you have lost every single piece of momentum in doing anything you are interested in before?
Dream shattered, once again, I can see them glittering now but I am too tired to pick them all up.
Be respect to yourself, be proactive, to show to the others that you are capable. Come on, I can't stand on this kind of shit. By settling the shit leave out by others means respecting myself? Why should I dare to? I am selfish, yes, I am, but how come one can ask me to finish this shit while letting me feeling so bad everyday? Why don't you say they are selfish? Does it really mean so if I can finish those crap but having my dignity being stepped over and over again?
I have had enough, I am sure. All I need is an escape plan, I swear to myself.
Hang on there, it's going to be ended soon, I was told. Finish it up and pay respect to yourself, I always heard.
Really? I start to wonder. I hate to listen to all these, when you are not the one who suffer. Do you know how painful it is when you are going to bed, knowing that at the time when you open your eyes, you have to face the shit for another day. Do you know how bad it feels when you have lost the appetize to eat and want spill out everything you tried to grab into your mouth? Do you know how helpless one is, when you have lost every single piece of momentum in doing anything you are interested in before?
Dream shattered, once again, I can see them glittering now but I am too tired to pick them all up.
Be respect to yourself, be proactive, to show to the others that you are capable. Come on, I can't stand on this kind of shit. By settling the shit leave out by others means respecting myself? Why should I dare to? I am selfish, yes, I am, but how come one can ask me to finish this shit while letting me feeling so bad everyday? Why don't you say they are selfish? Does it really mean so if I can finish those crap but having my dignity being stepped over and over again?
I have had enough, I am sure. All I need is an escape plan, I swear to myself.
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