It's quite amazing when you grow older and older. You start to figure out how fast your dignity is washing away and how easy you compromise on happening that against your belief.
To live on, you have to follow the public belief - the value proposition that is widely recognized among the population. The further away you are stepping from the line, the higher the risk to live on - public mass pulling off their acepetance, job security suddenly becomes a question.
Don't challenge what the norm belives in, follow the pattern that everyone is living could give you a higher chance of survival. It's tough to me cause it involve the lowering of what I believe in.
The way I treasure on something - creativity, the love and passon, as well as how one can get concentrated in making things happen. Be it an invention of software, a business one has started. Thing should be simple but it doesn't meant it's effortless. I treasure on how much they did in getting it delivered.
The way of doing, on events happening against me - the so-called "self protection" by being suspicious to people working or living with. Be it a passenger you bump in, during a ride on the MTR, a colleague that you see everyday. How frequent that you has to package your idea or opinion so that you can make sure the maximum benefits can always be given to your side.
The matter of trust becomes so thin that I feel very scary. I feel miserable on why it is not suspected by anyone but me. OK, I know I am not the only one but I cannot find anyone that I know is having the same thought. When is the last time that you opened your heart? How come we have to deliver or project a false message to the recipient, in order to get what we want. Or push them to the trap that we have setup. Why aren't we eager to speak up the truth? When something is bad, it is bad! It shouldn't be mentioned as simply "No Good"!
Holding the forge is no simple task, you have to depart with the comrade that was all the way along, the comrade that you could left your live to. Indeed, you just cannot have both - either your belief or your companion.
Life doesn't mean to embrace everyone but why couldn't I just live on as how I see fit? You don't need to agree on me but please, don't throw stones at me while I am walking on my path.
10/03/2004
8/24/2004
As I have told you many times, I am someone low in confidence and easily envy on people who could do things better than I do.
And it turns out I won't get close to many of the people around. I don't like to feel crapy when I hang around with others.
Speaking up to be open minded is easy but it is not when you try to act. It is not I don't want to listen to but I don't want to bow down to someone I dislike.
Have I told you I am selective in choosing who to listen to?
Yeah, I find it's like a magic, I could feel interesting when I learn a thing or two from someone I can get close to. I would admire this guy, too. But if he is someone that I dislike, I feel disgusting.
It is always a struggle when I don't know something which can be solved easily or something which should be treated as fundamental. I am imposing strict rules to myself but I am lazy to beat myself up.
And it turns out I won't get close to many of the people around. I don't like to feel crapy when I hang around with others.
Speaking up to be open minded is easy but it is not when you try to act. It is not I don't want to listen to but I don't want to bow down to someone I dislike.
Have I told you I am selective in choosing who to listen to?
Yeah, I find it's like a magic, I could feel interesting when I learn a thing or two from someone I can get close to. I would admire this guy, too. But if he is someone that I dislike, I feel disgusting.
It is always a struggle when I don't know something which can be solved easily or something which should be treated as fundamental. I am imposing strict rules to myself but I am lazy to beat myself up.
8/16/2004
Living in the lonely planet
I have to admit that I am a narrow minded person. I stand quite firm on what I believe and is not that open minded towards idea of others. Unless they are given by people that I trust.
And I am not good at striking for anything that I need. I think I would expect the others can observe my needs and act accordingly.
The product development should be fun but it's not. It's now like chasing a moving target and I am the only one who is trying to strike for it. My team-mate is now taken away by the other product team. Claiming he knows well enough on the other product and he can help more on it. But hey, you can't just say he's good and I want it and take him away!
Everyone wants a top notch buddy but if you don't have one, you gotta think!
It speaks for myself, too. I lose the team-mate and I better restructure on my next move.
The thing that annoy me is the instability, I guess. It's not moving on in the pace that I feel comfortable with. I guess that's the reason.
Anyway, time to brush up myself.
And I am not good at striking for anything that I need. I think I would expect the others can observe my needs and act accordingly.
The product development should be fun but it's not. It's now like chasing a moving target and I am the only one who is trying to strike for it. My team-mate is now taken away by the other product team. Claiming he knows well enough on the other product and he can help more on it. But hey, you can't just say he's good and I want it and take him away!
Everyone wants a top notch buddy but if you don't have one, you gotta think!
It speaks for myself, too. I lose the team-mate and I better restructure on my next move.
The thing that annoy me is the instability, I guess. It's not moving on in the pace that I feel comfortable with. I guess that's the reason.
Anyway, time to brush up myself.
8/12/2004
Birthday
Today is my birthday, the 31st birthday that I have gone through. Unlike others, I am spending my day with my mom, who is staying in the hospital.
Luckily, she is doing good and is recovering from the flu and inflammation that she has got over the weekend. Hopefully, she will be out of the hospital on tomorrow morning.
Birthday, is already not a special occasion to me, but it is still a nice happening since I can give myself an excuse to buy something for fun. Other than that, it's more or less the same as the rest of the 365 days that you and me are going through.
In another 2 weeks, I will be having a vacation since March, going to Taiwan with Annis, the place that I would call my "Second Home". It's already my fifth or sixth visit but I am still very excited. I am looking forward to go over there, to meet my friends and the places that I feel familiar with.
It is all about the experience, the life style that I am going to live with. The atmosphere in the coffee shop, the friendliness among me and my friends, the cultural impact from the bookstore, the CD store. The way of living that I can feel re-assure and harmonized. I will not feel the emptiness of losing myself.
Whereas in Hong Kong, I could feel myself an isolated one, an alien to the society. I feel insecure, hollow and losing the momentum and direction of moving forward. That's why I enjoy reading; to fit myself into the world of my desire and writing to reshape myself into the reality.
Luckily, she is doing good and is recovering from the flu and inflammation that she has got over the weekend. Hopefully, she will be out of the hospital on tomorrow morning.
Birthday, is already not a special occasion to me, but it is still a nice happening since I can give myself an excuse to buy something for fun. Other than that, it's more or less the same as the rest of the 365 days that you and me are going through.
In another 2 weeks, I will be having a vacation since March, going to Taiwan with Annis, the place that I would call my "Second Home". It's already my fifth or sixth visit but I am still very excited. I am looking forward to go over there, to meet my friends and the places that I feel familiar with.
It is all about the experience, the life style that I am going to live with. The atmosphere in the coffee shop, the friendliness among me and my friends, the cultural impact from the bookstore, the CD store. The way of living that I can feel re-assure and harmonized. I will not feel the emptiness of losing myself.
Whereas in Hong Kong, I could feel myself an isolated one, an alien to the society. I feel insecure, hollow and losing the momentum and direction of moving forward. That's why I enjoy reading; to fit myself into the world of my desire and writing to reshape myself into the reality.
7/08/2004
Now what?
The public mass finally have their desire settled, now what?
Heading for the next little lamb, striking for the same request and demonstrating the same pressure to the individuals who used to serve what they can? I guess I now know what a politician is good at - finger pointing.
I have given up the hope, I don't think it worths my effort to go for election. There's no one I can pick and whoever take over the seat is the same pile of dung.
Keep raising your throat and strike for the your sky high justice. That's nothing I care about.
Heading for the next little lamb, striking for the same request and demonstrating the same pressure to the individuals who used to serve what they can? I guess I now know what a politician is good at - finger pointing.
I have given up the hope, I don't think it worths my effort to go for election. There's no one I can pick and whoever take over the seat is the same pile of dung.
Keep raising your throat and strike for the your sky high justice. That's nothing I care about.
6/24/2004
The perspective
Do you have the experience of having no one looking into a matter the same way as you do? Have you ever wonder on why everyone who talks around you is so annoying and having an attitude problem?
All these grows with me every day.
I am working with a bunch of people, all of them are nice but indeed, I can't concentrate on my own stuff when they keep bubbling non-sense next to me. The conversation is not really non-sense, just that any conversation comes up feels like non-sense to me. The worst part of it is, some of them is trying to look down on the others, I don't see they have the privilege in doing so.
Opinion, this is a very personal matter but it is so in person that I can find no one having the same thought as I do. And it goes to the other extreme, too. Something which looks quite obvious to me doesn't seems to be carried around to the others. If something cannot be finished, be it, there is something we call un-finished matter.
There always are priority and schedules. We are born or hire to manage things but not to slave things through. Am I the only one who is aware of that?
Opinion, apart from not being able to find someone of the same thought, I found annoying when my thought is being challenged. OK, I am narrow mind, I have to admit but I guess no one like to be challenged? Respect where I stand and if U want to discuss, be nice.
I think I can go no where and work with no one. Maybe I should stay in the cave, until I can figure out what the truth is.
All these grows with me every day.
I am working with a bunch of people, all of them are nice but indeed, I can't concentrate on my own stuff when they keep bubbling non-sense next to me. The conversation is not really non-sense, just that any conversation comes up feels like non-sense to me. The worst part of it is, some of them is trying to look down on the others, I don't see they have the privilege in doing so.
Opinion, this is a very personal matter but it is so in person that I can find no one having the same thought as I do. And it goes to the other extreme, too. Something which looks quite obvious to me doesn't seems to be carried around to the others. If something cannot be finished, be it, there is something we call un-finished matter.
There always are priority and schedules. We are born or hire to manage things but not to slave things through. Am I the only one who is aware of that?
Opinion, apart from not being able to find someone of the same thought, I found annoying when my thought is being challenged. OK, I am narrow mind, I have to admit but I guess no one like to be challenged? Respect where I stand and if U want to discuss, be nice.
I think I can go no where and work with no one. Maybe I should stay in the cave, until I can figure out what the truth is.
6/16/2004
Shameful
There are lots of achievement that are reached by the Chinese, be it in Sports, Science or even Arts. It is amazing, in terms of volume and the level of achievement.
But I feel shameful as a Chinese.
I feel totally sorry when I look back for the 4000+ years that we have lived through. How many things we have done wrong? And the scale of problem is massive - the burying of scholars by Emperor Qin, the Cultural Revolution, the June Fourth Movement and all the mis-behaving businessmen that could easily be spot in every province throughout China.
Harm is done not only to them(or our?)selves but also to people in different region. I would name it the pest of mankind, of course, we are not alone, there are races who are performing problem to similar scale, too.
To be fair, I don't think I will feel proud of being whatever races, like what I have heard from, mankind is created to destory the Earth. It is fundamentally wrong of being a Human.
But I feel shameful as a Chinese.
I feel totally sorry when I look back for the 4000+ years that we have lived through. How many things we have done wrong? And the scale of problem is massive - the burying of scholars by Emperor Qin, the Cultural Revolution, the June Fourth Movement and all the mis-behaving businessmen that could easily be spot in every province throughout China.
Harm is done not only to them(or our?)selves but also to people in different region. I would name it the pest of mankind, of course, we are not alone, there are races who are performing problem to similar scale, too.
To be fair, I don't think I will feel proud of being whatever races, like what I have heard from, mankind is created to destory the Earth. It is fundamentally wrong of being a Human.
6/15/2004
The familiar uncertainty
I thought I have morphed into the other me; the me without the uncertainty, the me who is emotionally stabilized. Indeed, I was just getting into the development passage of the sonata.
The motif is now recapitulated.
Last night, I was reading the material about my favourite author, and to my surprise, my long gone memory flashes back. I felt what I felt when I was young, when I have doubt on everything. When I was looking at the surrounding from an isolated perspective, abstracting myself from the crowd.
Me and only me.
I dare not to speak up (again) and I felt no one around that I dare to speak up with. We are not in the same channel. To think a step further, it's not happened so all of a sudden. Highlights are given during the course, I feel assured that no matter how close you can go with someone, no gurantee that it will last forever. The self is the only body you can rely on. To go along with and accompany. Prepare for the individualism, planning for the lonely trip on my birthday..
Climax will be reached upon recapitulation, be it dramatic or in peace.
The motif is now recapitulated.
Last night, I was reading the material about my favourite author, and to my surprise, my long gone memory flashes back. I felt what I felt when I was young, when I have doubt on everything. When I was looking at the surrounding from an isolated perspective, abstracting myself from the crowd.
Me and only me.
I dare not to speak up (again) and I felt no one around that I dare to speak up with. We are not in the same channel. To think a step further, it's not happened so all of a sudden. Highlights are given during the course, I feel assured that no matter how close you can go with someone, no gurantee that it will last forever. The self is the only body you can rely on. To go along with and accompany. Prepare for the individualism, planning for the lonely trip on my birthday..
Climax will be reached upon recapitulation, be it dramatic or in peace.
6/06/2004
15 Years
I was 15 years old 15 years ago.
The night, I cried.
Today, I saw the same footage again, I try to tell my cousin aged 5 and 6, on what had happened 15 years ago. The little girl have the same response as everyone of us.
"Why do they (the activitists) get accused even they haven't done anything wrong?"
I am amazed that a little girl aged at 6 can also recognize something obvious.
The night, I cried.
Today, I saw the same footage again, I try to tell my cousin aged 5 and 6, on what had happened 15 years ago. The little girl have the same response as everyone of us.
"Why do they (the activitists) get accused even they haven't done anything wrong?"
I am amazed that a little girl aged at 6 can also recognize something obvious.
2/25/2004
My last night with my comrade
3 and a half years, apart from my team, it is this little buddy who hang on as long as I am awake. Overnight, working weekend, at home or overseas. This is my workhorse, my source of entertainment and my portal for communication.
Farewell, my friend. Thanks for the happy time and the fullest support in all the crucial moment. These three and a half year will be boring without you hanging around.
May the new comer work as close as we do and take care.
BB, to my mighty IBM 600X and T40.
Farewell, my friend. Thanks for the happy time and the fullest support in all the crucial moment. These three and a half year will be boring without you hanging around.
May the new comer work as close as we do and take care.
BB, to my mighty IBM 600X and T40.
2/12/2004
Bach and the resigned me.
The decision to resign is not a small one and it's good that Goldberg variation is playing right behind me when I hit the "Sent" button. I feel re-assured and see the twilight of my new beginning.
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